Thursday, April 26, 2012

Cue the Guilt

According to a dear friend of mine, I have a small but powerful old Jewish mother living inside of me.  I am not the Queen of Denial, but the Queen of De Guilt.  I feel guilty about pretty much everything, and if I can't find something to feel guilty about, I will invariably invent something.  Logically, I know that I am not responsible for everything, but I take on that responsibility like a hair shirt.  I know I do these things, and yet I can't figure out how to kick that old Jewish mother out!

As mother's, and father's, I think a certain amount of guilt comes with the territory.  We naturally feel guilty about many things, and children are also masters at making us feel guilty.  How many of you have heard "But all my friends have....(insert item of choice)!".  Quite often, this is just a ploy to get something, and we know it, and we are able to chase that guilt away.  But sometimes, the child is right.  For example, my youngest son really wants his own cell phone.  Jack is old enough to have one, and all of his friends do have their own cell phones.  Unfortunately, I can't afford to give him one.  Cue the guilt!

My boys have everything they need, but they don't always get a lot of the things they want.  When Christmas and birthdays roll around, I tell them to pick out something that they really want, and I try to get it for them.  Sometimes, they want something that is beyond my means, and I have to tell them that they are going to have to pick something else.  It breaks my heart to have to do this.  Unfortunately, living on disability isn't easy, as much as some people want to think it is.  Once again, cue the guilt.

While most of my guilt centers on my children, not all of it does.  As I've told you, my husband is confined to a wheelchair and can no longer drive.  I feel guilty when I don't feel like running all the errands it takes to keep a household going.  I know he doesn't mean it that way, but Dale piles more guilt on my shoulders, and I'm all to ready to shift the load a little to accommodate the new guilt.  I may say that I don't feel like going somewhere and he will look at me and say something along the lines of, "If I could drive, I would go do it, but I'm stuck in this chair", and you know what happens next......Cue The Guilt!

I know that all of these things are not because of something I did or didn't do.  They are simply facts of my life. My disabilities are not something I have chosen.  My pain is not something I am proud of.  I did nothing to cause my husband's illness, and yet, I still feel guilty about each of these things.  I can't get rid of my physical problems by just wishing them away, and I don't know how to get rid of all the guilt, either.  There have been times when Dale has insisted that I have to go to the store or something, and I have looked at him and said, "Why is it that you get to be disabled all the time, but I'm only disabled when it's convenient for you?".  And then I feel guilty about that, too.

I am trying really hard to figure out how to not feel so guilty about the things I can't control.  I know that these are things that cannot be helped, and I did nothing to cause them.  I think that I will have a certain amount of guilt where my boys are concerned until the day I die, but I'm trying to not let them guilt me into buying something that we can't afford, and other things of this nature.  I'm also trying to kick the old Jewish mother out for good, but until that day when she actually packs up and leaves, cue the guilt.

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