A Blue Funk

I woke up this morning in a blue funk.  It started before I woke up, actually.  I didn't sleep well last night for starters.  I tossed and turned all night long, searching for a comfortable position which I couldn't seem to find.  Even before I opened my eyes, I could feel the pain starting around the edges and working its way into my consciousness.  Pain was what finally pushed me all the way to wakefulness.  But, pain isn't the only thing bringing on this blue funk.  For the last couple of days, I just haven't felt well.  I'm not running a fever, and I can't put my finger on any one thing that's wrong.  I just don't feel well.

I get this way every once in a while, even though I try so hard to avoid it.  For me, a blue funk is a little bit not feeling well, a little bit depression, and a little bit of poor, pitiful me.  The weather today is cold and damp, which never bodes well for my pain levels.  I can feel the cold seeping into every joint in my body.  I have rods in my back from my spinal fusion, and they seem to absorb the cold.  Have you ever had a bit of metal, like tin foil, touch a filling in one of your teeth?  That's what my back feels like right now.  It's a sharp, jolting pain that comes and goes.  And this is on top of my usual back pain.  I just get so sick and tired of this, day in and day out.

My knees are bothering me more than my back at the moment.  Both of them are terribly painful, and the motion of standing up and sitting back down is unbelievably painful.  If I stand for too long, one of them will buckle on me, and I can feel the bones grinding against one another.  With both of them being in this shape, I never know which one is going to go out on me.  I am always afraid of falling because I don't know if I'm going to be able to catch myself.  I don't even have to be walking for them to go out on me - I can just be standing there, and whichever one I'm putting the most pressure on will suddenly buckle.  My family has gotten use to me screaming all of a sudden because of this.

I'm not proud of it, but I am really feeling sorry for myself today.  Normally, I'm pretty logical about these sorts of things.  I understand that my physical body is a piece of crap, and it's falling apart bit by bit!  And yes, you can laugh because this is a bit of dark humor at my own expense!  Seriously, though, I am so tired of being in pain all the time.  It just isn't fair.  I hate feeling this way all the time, and some days, it is just too much to deal with.  I deserve one day with no pain!  I'm not even asking for it to go away forever, I just want one damn day that I feel good!  Right now, I wish I was two or three years old, and I could lie on the floor and kick and scream and just throw a good old fashioned temper tantrum!

Earlier today, a friend of mine in a support group I belong to online, said basically that my body and spirit would get over this when the time was right.  Perhaps this is my body's way of dealing with the sadness we all experience when dealing with this condition.  I can only speak for myself, but I tend to push my negative feelings down.  I try to put on a happy face as much as possible, because I really don't want people to sit around feeling sorry for me.  But, you can only push your emotions down for so long.  The more things you pile on that well of negative thoughts, the more pressure you build up.  Eventually, all of the pressure has to be released, and I think that mine has released itself into this blue funk that I'm feeling right now.

I know that this is going to go away eventually.  I know that in a day or two, my old self is going to reassert itself and I am going to be in a good mood again.  I know that while my pain is never going to go away completely, I am going to have good days with pain levels that I can deal with.  And, I know that spring is rising up like a daffodil, and the cold, rainy weather we have right now is going to go away.  But for today, and maybe tomorrow, I'm going to just let this blue funk sit here with me.  I'm going to give myself permission to feel sorry for myself for a day or two, and I'm going to fall in love with my heating pad again.  So, my old blue funk friend, let's have another cup of coffee and climb back in the bed, and watch trashy TV together.  I know you won't be here for long!