Chronic pain changes your life in so many ways, and there is really nothing you can do about it. Most of us go through a grieving process. We grieve for the life we used to have; we grieve for the loss of friends and family members who cannot adjust to the person we have become; we grieve for the loss of the person we used to be. I have been lucky in that the people who love me the most have never turned their backs on me and continue to love and support me. Many are not that fortunate.
For me, the worst loss is very personal. I am no longer the person I have always thought was me. Chronic pain has changed my entire reality, and it is heartbreaking. Many days, I do not like the person I have become, and I want the old me back all the time. I can no longer participate in my children's activities the way I used to and I really miss that. I can no longer work, and I miss that because I had a job that I loved. I can't go to church very often anymore because there are too many steps leading into the building for me to get up on a bad day, and I can't sit in the pews for very long. I used to be very involved in my church over the years. I sang in the choir, led the youth group, and participated in our women's group. My church hasn't turned its back on me, but when you can't be there, you don't feel attached anymore.
While I didn't do it often, I used to love to out to a club to go dancing and spend time with friends. I also love to sing karaoke, and I can't do that anymore either. Music and performing were always my first love. I've been performing since I was a very young child. I would organize the kids in the neighborhood and put on shows for our parents. I also participated in community theater, both on stage and behind the scenes. I can't do that anymore, and I feel like the creative part of me has withered and died.
I can't make many plans in advance any more, and because of this, I have lost friends. I might tell someone on Tuesday that we would go out to lunch on Wednesday, and then have to call and cancel on the morning of the lunch date. You can only cancel on people so many times before they quit calling to ask you to do things with them. I can't go to the mall anymore, not that I ever really was a shopper, but I still miss it. Looking forward to the future is hard to do when you don't know how you are going to feel more than a couple of hours in advance.
Traveling is almost out of the question anymore. My sister and her family live about 6 hours away from me in Collierville, TN. Her home is about half way between where I live and where my mother lives. We will sometimes all get together at her house, but I can't really enjoy the visit because I am in so much pain from the trip to her house; and it takes until the end of the visit to get over it for the drive home again. It just doesn't seem worth it most of the time.
Because so many things in my life have changed, I am trying to redefine myself. This isn't easy to do when you lose so many important parts of yourself. But even though I have lost so many aspects of who I used to be, some will always be with me. I will always be a mother to my children, and while I may not be able to go to that basketball game, they know that I want to hear everything about it once they get home. My children know that I love them, and that I am always there when they need a friend or a mommy. I will always be a wife to my husband. Because we are both disabled, there is always someone there who understands what the other is going through.
And writing this blog is helping to bring my creative side back to life. I am able to have a voice again and connect with other people. Hopefully, something I have to say or have been through will help you on your path through this world. And, it allows me to connect with other people. My relationship with others doesn't have to be gone, it is simply different now. Slowly but surely, I am finding myself again, and I am so happy to have you join me on my new journey.
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