There is so much in the news recently about bullying, and it is high time that it is truly being addressed. Too many lives have been lost because we don't teach out children to be kind to one another. There are those who say that kids will be kids, and that a little teasing never hurt anyone. They couldn't be more wrong! Children are committing suicide because of the pain inflicted on them by their peers. Other children take all the abuse that they can, and then they show up at school with an automatic weapon. This has to stop!
I know the pain of being bullied. I know what it's like to cry yourself to sleep every night because of the cruel things that other children can say. I know what it's like to be a 13 year old girl and think that death would have to be better than another day of hearing the vicious taunts of other children. When I would say something about it, I was frequently told by adults that it was just teasing, or that I needed to develop a thicker skin. But, it isn't possible to grow a skin thick enough to deal with that kind of pain.
As a child, I was different than a lot of the other children. And kids form a pack mentality and hunt down those who don't fit in. For starters, I was younger than most of the other kids in my grade because of when my birthday fell. Because of this, I wasn't as socially mature as many of them. I was also taller than most of the other kids in my class. I was incredibly shy, and making friends wasn't easy for me. When other kids would tease me, I didn't have a good comeback, I simply ran away crying, which gave them even more ammunition to use against me.
In between first and second grade, I was sexually molested by a couple of different people. Like many girls who go through this, I turned to food. While I didn't know it at the time, many girls will gain a lot of weight after something like this happens to them as a defense mechanism. According to a therapist I saw many years ago, gaining weight is a way to make yourself appear less attractive, and therefore, less likely to attract molesters. There is nothing worse than being the fat kid. But, I would go to school, suffer the teasing from being fat, and then go home and eat more to try and comfort myself. It is a vicious cycle that I am still trying to break today.
Their was a group of boys in our neighborhood who made my life a living hell. I would have to deal with their bullying at school, and then come home and have to deal with it there as well. They made fun of my mercilessly, insulting my body, my hair, my clothes, and my family. To this day, I carry the scars that these boys left on my soul. Now, I realize that their upbringing was poor, and that they really didn't have the loving, supportive family that I was blessed with. And yet, just thinking about them can send me back into that tortured little girl even today.
As parents, we have a responsibility to do whatever we can to protect our children. Yes, kids are going to tease each other, and we have to let our kids learn to deal with a certain amount of it. But there is a world of difference between a little teasing and full out bullying. And some of us have children who are bullies. We have to recognize that in our children, and not make excuses for them. We have to make sure that we help our children to develop empathy towards others, and if we see them causing pain to another person, we have to call them on it. We need to develop the ability to be accepting of the differences in others, and pass that along to our kids. Until we do this, bullying is going to be a continuing tragedy in our society.
I have raised 3 boys, they're now 29, 26 and 23. I raised them to love learning, music and also to try a few sports. I taught them to treat others as they would want to be treated, but that turned out to be a mistake. I don't know how it is with girls, altho I have heard that the meanest creature in earth is a middle school girl, but it seemed to me that for boys, you either were a bully or you got bullied. Since my boys were not bullies, you can figure out what happened to them. I'd like to say that it only happened at school, but I can't because it also happened at church. At one point we told our oldest son he did not have to attend the church youth activities because he was constantly bullied and called gay.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what the answer is, I thought I was teaching my boys correctly but if I had to do it all over again, I'm not sure I would do it the same. The old adage that the best way to deal with a bully is to stand up to him/her does not hold true anymore, it's too dangerous. I tried talking to the parents of the boys who were bullying my sons, and I always got the same response from them. The mothers were convinced their child could do no wrong and the fathers had the 'Boys will be boys' attitude.
When my 5 y/o was hit in the head with a trumpet case by a large 5th grader, the school decided the best way to handle it was to put both of them in a room with the school counselor and ask them what happened, they call that conflict resolution. My little 5 y/o was so intimidated by this 5th grader, and had to ride the same bus home from school as this bully, that he wouldn't say anything. Because he would not try to work things out with this bully, no reprimand was issued against him. This was all done without my knowledge. When I found out I made it very clear that if they ever put my son in the same room with that boy again there would be hell to pay.
The schools don't have a clue how to handle these situations, the parents of bullies are often bullies themselves, so what are we to do? I didn't have an answer then and I don't now, other than to make sure your home is a place where your children can feel safe and keep communication as open with them as possible. I wish I had a better answer!