I am starting to accept the fact that I am a little bit crazy. Oh, the signs have been there for years, but I just kept shutting my eyes to the truth. Now, you have nothing to worry about - I'm not scary crazy - just a little kooky crazy, and sometimes, that isn't such a bad thing. In fact, I think a little bit of crazy really helps you navigate a world that's just a little bit crazy too!
You may be wondering what signs I have found to confirm my self-diagnosis. First of all, my children are forever looking at me and saying "Mom, you're crazy!". Personally, I think that anything that comes out of the mouths of teenagers is suspect, but they just keep saying it. For instance, we live a little bit out in the country. There is one road that leads to my house that has cows in one pasture area and horses in another. Whenever we drive past, I have to roll my window down, and yell HI! to the cows and the horses. Many times, my barnyard friends will turn around and look at me. I personally think that I'm being neighborly, but according to my sons, the cows and horses look at me because they know I'm crazy, too!
Another example of my slight bit of crazy is that I talk to myself. I am always carrying on conversations with myself. Most of the time, I am able to have these little talks completely in my head, but sometimes, I will talk out loud, and I don't even realize that I'm doing it! Of course, my husband is constantly thinking that I am talking about him, because I tend to whisper these things. I am always shocked when he says, "What did you say?" because I didn't even realize I had said anything out loud. They say that talking to yourself is normal, unless you answer yourself. Well, I will occasionally ask myself questions and answer them out loud, again, not realizing I have done this. There's another sign!
The final sign is probably the craziest of all. I have discovered that I feel guilty about my healthcare. Earlier this month, I had an epidural caudal block to help with my lower back pain. My doctor did everything possible to make sure that I got more relief from this one than I did from the first injection I received. Sadly, this one didn't work nearly as well as the first one, In fact, I'm already having pretty severe pain already. Now, most people would simply think it didn't work. My thought processes make me feel like I owe an apology to the doctor because the procedure didn't work. I have already confirmed with friends that I am pretty much nutty as a fruitcake for feeling this way!
I have to remember that I am hiring the doctor to provide a service for me. I think, however, that my tendency to be a people pleaser is leading me to these feelings of guilt. And I'm pretty sure that when I see him again later this month, I will tell him that I'm sorry that this injection didn't provide that much relief, and like you, he will probably think that I'm crazy, too!
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