Forgiveness

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately.  Forgiving someone who has wronged you, in some ways,  is one of the hardest things to do.  It is so difficult to let go of the hurt and anger that we carry around with us, and we often nurture these negative feelings until they turn into a huge grudge.  But who are we really hurting when we do these things?  We hurt ourselves.

I am guilty of nursing several grudges over the years.  My biological father never paid any child support and never made an effort to see my sister and I after he and my mother divorced.  Once, he showed up at our house threatening to kill all of us.  When I was an adult, I learned that his new wife had been one of my nurses when I was 10 years old and had an appendectomy.  This woman was in my room constantly, and while I appreciated the personal care, even at 10, I was confused by it.  Upon my discharge, she put a letter to my mother in the discharge paper work.  She called my mother horrible names, and blamed her for not allowing my "dear, loving father" to see us.

For many, many years, I hated this man.  Because of his actions, I have spent years, terrified of abandonment.  I would be so horrible to boyfriends that they would break up with me.  I was able to comfort myself, in some twisted way, that I wasn't worthy of love and attention.  I would cry myself to sleep some nights, wondering what was so awful about me that my own father wanted nothing to do with me.  My mother remarried about a year after the divorce.  Gaylon Brown was my daddy!  He even adopted my sister and I because he loved us both.  But, the damage was already done, and I wasn't able to form a tight attachment with him because of my fear that if I got too close, he would run off and leave me, just like Ronnie did.

Did Ronnie know that I was carrying this huge grudge?  NO.  Was he affected by my feeling of hatred?  NO!  The only person that my anger hurt was me.  Deep down, I think I realized this, but I still couldn't let go of it. I allowed it to affect my entire life!  I carried around all the hurt and anger most of my adult life.  When Ronnie died, my mother showed me his obituary, because she thought that my sister and I should know.  And I added the anger of never being able to confront him to my grudge.

I have finally learned that forgiveness isn't for the person who wronged you.  Forgiveness is for you!  When you forgive someone, you give yourself permission to let go of all the hurt and anger that you have been carrying around inside you.  I once heard someone say that forgiveness is the act of admitting to yourself that you cannot go back and change the outcome of what has been done to you.  Once I was able to forgive Ronnie, and let go of everything, my feelings of hatred turned into feelings of pity.  I pitied this man because he never got to see what wonderful, loving women his daughters' grew to become.

If you are carrying any hatred for someone who has wronged you, forgive them.  Give yourself permission to let go of the grudge you are carrying around with you.  Forgiveness allows you to move forward in your life, and change yourself for the better.  Forgiving Ronnie was liberating for me, and I found a sense of peace that had been missing in my life since I was four years old.