Yesterday, I had several errands to run. I had to pick one of my sons up from school, and then I had to do a few run of the mill errands. I was in the car for about two hours, and luckily for me, my boys are able to do minor grocery shopping. So, I sat in the car while they ran into a couple of stores and pumped gas for me. By the time we got home, I could barely move! My wonderful boys helped me out of the car and up the back steps. I was in tears by the time I got in the back door.
My youngest son, Jack, took my shoes and socks off for me, and then my husband had to come in the bedroom and basically undress me and change my clothes for me. Talk about embarrassing! I know they love me, and they don't mind doing these things, but who wants to admit that they can't take their own shoes and socks off, or change their own clothes? I made it to my recliner and just sat there and sobbed.
This morning, every inch of my body hurts. I can barely move, and I know that today is going to consist of trying to recover from yesterday. I miss the days when going out and running errands was just that! I hate having to have a day to prepare myself for things like this, and then another couple of days to get over it. I am angry with my conditions and with my body. I feel like I am being betrayed by someone who has always been there for me.
As you know, my husband has a progressive neurological condition which has confined him to a wheelchair. He is no longer able to drive, although he is a wonder around the house. I have handled all of the "running" since he became ill. It hasn't always been easy, but I have always been able to do what had to be done. I accepted that it was my role in the household. Even though I usually hate doing it, I knew that this was the main thing that I did to contribute to the household. I almost feel like I'm losing a part of my identity.
Pain has been my constant companion for many years now. I go to bed with it at night and I wake up with it in the morning. However, I've always been able to keep it at bay a certain amount of the time. But now, the amount of pain I am experiencing is getting much worse. It is the type of pain that makes you catch your breath and wonder how you are going to make it until the next minute. How does a person keep going with pain this severe? How do you continue to have a semblance of a normal life? How do you keep from feeling like a burden to the people you love? These are questions that I just don't have the answers to right now.
Dale and I aren't getting any younger. Our children are starting to leave the nest, and in just a few years, it's just going to be the two of us. I am terrified about our future. What will happen to us if both of us are no longer able to function in the real world. We aren't wealthy people and we can't afford to hire people to cook, clean and run errands for us. Will our only choice be to move into a nursing home while we are still relatively young? This just isn't the future I had pictured.
I still have hope that someone somewhere will find a way to treat chronic pain. I still have hope that at some point, I will start to get better. I still have hope that this is a temporary setback and I will start to feel better soon. But, it doesn't take away the fear that I am experiencing right now. I don't want to continue living like this and I don't know how to stop the fear. It's not an easy life, but I'm not giving up. I am going to keep fighting this until I don't have to fight it anymore.
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