A little while back, I wrote a piece about learning to accept the condition of chronic pain. I still believe that it is easier to learn to live with this condition when we are able to accept it and quit fighting against it. So what is my confession? I am learning that this is far easier said than done.
To be honest, I really did believe that I had come to terms with what I am living with. But the truth is, I am really pissed off about the whole thing, and I am trying really hard to come to terms with the anger I'm feeling about this devastating condition. I don't like the fact that I feel the way I do. I mean, what is the point in being angry with something you have no control over and can't get rid of by wishing it away? This anger takes a lot of energy, and the stress that it brings on can and does make the pain worse. But, this is the way I feel and I don't know how to get rid of these feelings.
Prior to my knee surgery, I really think that I had come to a place of peace about my condition. I wasn't happy about it, but I knew that I couldn't make it go away just because I wanted it to go away. I was in a good place as far as my treatment was concerned, and while it wasn't always easy, I was able to function. Since my surgery, I have lost a lot of my ability. And I am just so angry about the whole thing!
I used to hate having to go out and do all the errand running, bill paying, shopping, child chauffeuring, etc., for our family. I often felt like I never got a break, and there were times when I just didn't feel like I could keep it up. Now, I would give anything to have that functioning back. I really can't go anywhere by myself right now. We only have three steps going out my back door, but I have to make sure I have someone with me now because getting up and down those three little steps is agonizingly painful.
I can't sleep in my bed anymore and I'm pretty much living in my recliner. Lying down makes everything hurt and finding a position that's comfortable is a complete impossibility. Every once in awhile, I will decide that I'm bound to be able to lie down for at least a little bit. But within 20 minutes, I'm back to the recliner, and in tears from the pain. It just isn't fair!
Because the only place that I can get comfortable is in the recliner, I am in the living room pretty much 24/7. It's driving me crazy! I'm one of those people who has to have a certain amount of solitude in her life. I have to take a step away from everything and just have time alone. Now, I'm never, ever alone, and I don't know how much longer I can take it. I keep telling my husband that I want to move the bed up against the wall in the bedroom and move the recliner in there, but apparently, this just isn't going to happen.
I'm not proud of the way I'm feeling right now, but I'm not sure how to get rid of these feelings. I'm normally not an angry person, but I'm walking around with a knot in the pit of my stomach all the time lately. I hate my body right now. I feel like I'm trapped in something that doesn't work anymore and there is just no way out. I actually am starting to resent people who have never experienced chronic pain! This isn't me, but I'm afraid it's who I am becoming.
There have been times when my kids would look at me and tell me that something I had done wasn't fair, and at times, I would tell them that sometimes, life isn't fair, and you have to learn to deal with those times. Well, right now, I want to climb to the top of the tallest building and start screaming that what I am going through isn't fair! It isn't fair that I am in pain all the time! It isn't fair that I can't sleep more than 3-4 hours a night! It isn't fair that I can't lie down in my bed like a normal person! It just isn't fair! But then, in the back of my mind, I hear my own voice telling me that sometimes, life isn't fair.
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