Find a New Dream

One of the worst parts about having a chronic illness of any kind is that it can steal our dreams right out from under us.  My dream was always to be a singer and actress.  I have been performing most of my life.  Nothing gave me as much joy as being on a stage, singing or acting.  In fact, I started out in college as a theater arts and voice major.  That didn't pan out, and I had to accept the fact that I wasn't going to be world famous, but I didn't let that stop me from performing.  I did community theater for years and loved every minute of it.  I also sang at weddings and funerals, and performed Karaoke.  I loved every minute of it!

Marriage and babies made it more difficult to perform as much as I wanted to, but I still found times to indulge my passions when I could.  I always thought that when my boys got older, I would be able to get involved with community theater again, and continue to perform when possible.  It was something that I looked forward to for years.  But then, my back problems began, and I developed fibromyalgia, and all of my dreams of performing again seemed to disappear like a wisp of smoke.

It is impossible to commit to doing a play when you don't know from day to day if you will be able to get out of the bed, much less spend 2 or more hours on your feet rehearsing.  Even singing became difficult.  I still did it when I could, but it would make my back throb when I was finished, and I quit doing that publicly as well.  I squared my shoulders, and told myself that the creative part of my life was over and that I would just have to accept it and move on.  However, letting go of a dream that you are so passionate about is a very depressing thing, and I went through a lot of difficulty accepting the fact that I no longer had that creative outlet.

The energy that I once expended on the stage was now poured into fighting my illness.  As you all know, there is nothing more exhausting than fighting an enemy that you really cannot beat.  Nothing I did would make the fibro or back problems go away.  So, I would conserve what energy I had and use it when I needed it.  I didn't have the energy reserves to even work in a technical position in theater.  You can't commit to doing theatrical makeup for a play when you don't know if you can get out of the bed.  Letting go of my dream felt like a death in the family. I buried something that I truly loved.

Stepping away from performing didn't kill my need to do something creative.  I needed an outlet of some sort, but for a very long time, had no idea how to feed this part of my soul. Painting or drawing wasn't an option because I can't draw a straight line with a ruler!  Crafting didn't interest me in the least.  Due to the brain surgery that I had as a baby, I have very poor hand-eye coordination.  That sort of prohibits making anything that anyone wants to look at!

In my search for a creative outlet, I reminded myself that I had always loved to write.  When I was in my teens, I decided at one point that I was going to write the Great American Novel.  My parents gave me an old typewriter, circa 1940, and I would sit in my room, pounding out novels full of teen angst, and schlock historical romances.  I never finished any of these, because eventually, I would read them and realize how truly bad they really were!

Eventually, I decided to try my hand at writing a blog.  Back when I was in school, I would always get excited when the teachers would assign us to write an essay.  While the other kids in the class were moaning and groaning, I was grabbing my pen and paper and getting started right away.  I decided that writing a blog couldn't be that much different from writing an essay, so I started looking into it.  Once I felt like I knew a little bit about it, I took a deep breath and dove in head first.

Writing and publishing that first post was very scary, but it was thrilling at the same time.  It's never easy to put yourself out there, but writing filled that creative void in my life.  I'm always nervous when I hit that send button, because you never know if people will relate to what you have written, or if they will even like it.  But it has been so worth it!  I can honestly say that I have found my joy again, and it is such a blessing.

Living with a chronic illness steals so much from us.  The things we used to do with ease are often so very difficult now.  It takes away our ability to live life the way we used to live it.  And, quite often, it robs us of the very things that brought us so much happiness.  I have come to believe that it is essential to our quality of life to find something else to bring us joy.  Writing has been the thing to bring that joy back to my life, and I love doing it.  What is something that could bring joy back to your life?   Perhaps you life to crochet or knit?  Even if you can only do it for a few minutes at a time, try picking it up again.  Once you start doing something that makes you truly happy, I think you will find, as I have, that your life only gets better.