Please Don't Ask Me How I Am

Do you ever get tired of people asking you how you are doing, and then watching their eyes glaze over when you actually start to tell them the truth?  Have you learned to respond with the obligatory "I'm fine", because you know that's really all the other person wants to hear?  I know I am.  The real title of this post should be "Don't Ask Me How I Am Because I Don't Have The Energy To Lie To You Right Now"!

Through the years of living with chronic pain, I have learned that most people really don't mean it when they ask you how you are.  They want the short, sweet answer of I'm fine.  Most of the time, I can toss that one off with ease.  I can even smile when I'm saying it, and make the other person believe that I really am fine.  The truth of the matter is that I want to say, "I feel lousy right now!  Every inch of my body hurts, and just standing hear talking to you is almost more than I can bear!".  Of course, I don't say this, but boy, do I want to!

Right now, I am going through a really rough time.  My pain is about a 20 on a scale of 1 to 10.  I find myself avoiding people, because I don't have the energy to smile through the pain at the moment.  And to be honest with you, I'm tired of listening to my self complain about how I feel.  We've all known someone who does nothing but complain, and sometimes, I think that I'm turning into that person.  Then, I think if I am turning into that person, I don't want to inflict myself on others, so I find myself withdrawing.  It's a vicious circle to be caught up in.

I am supposed to be going to see my mom next month.  She is paying for me to fly down and spend a long weekend with her.  I am really excited about it, but in the back of my mind, I am almost afraid to go.  I worry about having a flare up or just complaining too much.  I worry about trying to get through an airport in this condition.  I worry about getting there and not having the energy to do anything.  I know my mom understands, but I haven't really traveled with this before and I don't know how it's going to affect me.

At the moment, I am just sick of the whole thing!  I am tired of the pain!  I am tired of complaining!  I am tired of the person I am now!  I am tired of worrying about offending someone else if I actually have the nerve to really tell them how I am!  I think from now on, I will respond to the question of "How are you?" by saying, "Don't ask me if you don't really want to know".  That way, the other person has fair warning that they aren't going to get a simple "fine" out of me.  They know that something is coming, and I'm giving them an out from hearing about it!  Once I get started, I may still see their eyes start to glaze over, but they can't say I didn't give them fair warning!