Pity Party - Table for One!

The last couple of days have really been rough for me.  My pain levels are up, and my sleep levels are down, which is never a good combination.  I've also spent the last couple of days crying for no apparent reason, and I was starting to think that I was losing my mind.  Now, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is I think I finally figured out why I keep having these crying jags, and that bad news is that you can't lose your mind when you already lost it years ago!

As many of you know, I am having knee surgery in the next week or so.  I severely tore my meniscus and I have to have it repaired.  I knew I would need surgery before I even saw the doctor because I have been down this road many times with my right knee.  Because this is nothing new to me, I just assumed that it wasn't that big of a deal. I was calm in the doctor's office.  I was very matter of fact talking about the procedure.  And I kept telling others, and myself, that I wasn't worried about it in the least.  However, my subconscious mind apparently is worried about the whole thing, and I think that's the cause of the crying and lack of sleep.

A little while ago, I decided to go take a hot bath to try and ease my back a little.  As I sat there in the steamy water, all I could do was cry.  Pity part, table for one!  I was feeling completely sorry for myself, and even crowned myself Queen of the Martyrs.  I decided that there was absolutely no possible way that I could have the surgery.  I decided that my family would completely fall apart if I wasn't able to do everything that I normally do.  I convinced myself that I wouldn't be able to get into my house after the surgery, due to three little steps.  Because we are on a very tight budget, I made up my mind that there was no way we could afford the co-pay for my physical therapy.  I made up my mind that I was going to get out of the tub, and immediately call  the doctor, thank him for his time, and cancel everything.

I walked out of the bathroom, sat down in my recliner, and immediately burst into tears - not the pretty kind, but, as Oprah calls it, Ugly Crying.  Once I finally got to the sniffling stage, I announced to my husband that I was not going to have the surgery.  He calming asked me to explain why I had come to this decision.  And I began to lay out my reasons.  Dale listened to everything I had to say, and when I was finished, he promptly shot down every argument that I had come up with.  He had already arranged for our friend Dennis to help with the errands and getting me back and forth to therapy.  He told me that we were going to practice getting up the steps with crutches before the surgery so that I had it down.  And he told me that we would find the money for the physical therapy because not having the surgery simply was not an option.

Once we finished talking, I got up and left my pity party table.  I stopped crying, and I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off  my shoulders.  I called the surgeons office and they told me they would have a definite date and time for me this afternoon.  And then I called the physical therapy office I want to use.  They are going to run my insurance now to see what that will cover and what my out of pocket will be.  They are also going to work with me on the out of pocket part.  I'm hoping that getting all of this out of my system is what I needed to do.  I hope that I'm going to be able to sleep tonight.  And, for the time being, I hope there are no more openings at the Pity Party!