The Patient needs Patience!

I have been trying to learn to be more patient since I was about four years old, and it's a lesson that I'm still working on.  This surgery has me once again struggling with this, and I'm not doing a very good job of putting what I have learned about patience to good use.  I stopped praying for patience years ago, because every time I did pray for more patience, God seemed to send me a test to see if the lesson was starting to take.  Most of the time, I failed miserably!

As of today, I am almost two weeks out from the surgery itself.  I am walking with my cane all the time now, instead of using my crutches around the house.  I saw my doctor a week ago, and at that time, I was still using the crutches, but I was already bearing weight on my leg.  My doctor actually gave me a high five when he saw me coming down the hallway!  I don't know about you, but I've never had a doctor do that before.  My surgeon told me that I was doing far better than he expected and to keep up the good work.  I was really proud of myself, and I decided that I was just going to breeze through this recovery period.  I thought that I was going to be back to my old self so far ahead of schedule that the whole world would be amazed.  Well, I have a talent at making God laugh!

Yesterday was a really lousy day for me.  First of all, walking was very painful, and got worse as the day went on.  But, being stubborn, I refused to put the cane down and use my crutches.  I knew that using the crutches would give my leg a bit of a rest, but in my mind, this would be going backwards, which I just refused to do.  Then, I started needing help getting out of my chair.  As the day went on, I felt like things were getting worse with everything I tried to do.  The last straw came when I decided to take my first real shower in days.

Now, I have to backtrack just a little bit.  The other day, my husband went out and bought me a shower stool for the tub and a nice, hand held shower.  I was so excited, you would have thought that he had brought me a diamond ring!  Just the thought of taking a shower instead of another sponge bath just seemed like a little piece of heaven.  I couldn't wait to get into the tub and just let that warm water wash over me.  It was late in the day before everything was ready for me to go in and take that first shower.  Remember that the day has been pretty crappy so far, and Murphy's Law is always looking for a moment to rear its ugly head.  This was that moment.

First of all, the shower chair was too large to fit into our tub, so we turned it sideways to make it fit.  Sitting on it was quite uncomfortable, but I was willing to sacrifice some comfort in order to take that shower.  But then, I couldn't figure out the mechanics of getting into the bathtub!  That was the last straw for me.  All I could do was cry!  My husband kept trying to help me, but I was beyond help at this point.  I was convinced that I would never be able to take a shower again, and that I was a complete failure.  For the next hour, I sat in my bed and bawled my eyes out.

Today, things seem a bit brighter than they did yesterday, although I still don't have much more patience with myself.  But I didn't need any help getting out of my chair this morning, and I consider that an accomplishment.  I'm also telling myself that there is no shame in needing help.  Instead of thinking that my surgery was two long weeks ago, I'm trying to understand that two weeks really isn't that long ago, and I am doing pretty darn good, all things considered.  I'm also trying to come to grips with the fact that my husband actually likes being able to help me.  I've been the caregiver in my family for so long that it's hard for me to accept the help that is being offered to me.  There isn't any shame in taking the time to allow myself to heal, or in admitting that there are still some things that I can't do at this point.  And it's taking all the patience that I have to do this!