Tell Me How You Really Feel!

I’m going to warn you that I’m about to rant and rave, so if you don’t want to hear it, stop reading now!  I am worn out today and I am in a whole lot of pain.  I’m in the middle of a flare up of my fibromyalgia, and every muscle in my body hurts.  Last night, I woke up every two hours because of the pain.  According to my husband, at one point I started to turn over and let out a high pitched scream.  I’m tired of feeling this way.  And, as Peter Finch said in the movie Network, “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore”!

The truth is, however, that I have no choice in the matter.  There is nothing that I can do to get rid of the fibro.  I can’t take some medicine and have it be cured.   I can’t wish it away; I can’t have it surgically removed.  It’s here to stay, and I am pissed off about it.  Fibro effects pretty much every part of my life.  First of all there is the pain.  Do you know how you feel when you start to exercise when you haven’t exercised in a very long time?  You get a really painful ache deep in your muscles and you are reminded of it every time you move.  This is the closest way I can describe fibro pain.  However, with the ache that comes from exercise, it eventually goes away.  The pain associated with fibromyalgia never goes away.

The pain from fibro is always there.  Some days are worse than others, but it never completely goes away.  When I get a flare up, it’s like turning the volume up on your stereo.  You start out listening to soft music in the background, and then all of a sudden, someone changes the channel to heavy metal and turns the volume up as high as it will go.  And, they took the volume knob away and you just can’t turn it down.  You just have to sit there and endure it until they decide to come back and turn the volume back down, and you never know when that might be.

I am so sick and tired of dealing with this condition.  I want my damn life back!  I hate not knowing how I’m going to feel from one day to the next.  I hate not being able to plan things more than a day or two in advance, because a flare up could hit at any minute.  I hate not being able to get a real big bear hug from my kids because it just hurts too bad to let them touch me.  I’m tired of not being able to wear a pretty pair of high heels anymore because they cause pain from my feet up.

I am tired of people looking at me and saying “How are you today?”, and I know that they really don’t want to hear the truth.  They really just want to hear the obligatory “I’m fine” so they can get on their way.  Sometimes, I look at people and say, “Don’t ask me how I am if you don’t truly want to know, because I just can’t fake fine today.”  I live with this day in day out.  Would it hurt someone to simply listen and give me a little sympathy?  I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, I just want people to care enough to hear the truth.

Believe it or not, I wouldn’t wish this condition on my worst enemy.  No one should have to spend everyday for the rest of their lives battling pain.  But would it hurt for people to try and understand?  I’m not asking you to cure me and I don’t want to hear that exercise will solve all of my problems.  No, it won’t.  Just take five minutes out of your busy day, and listen to me without judging me.  Trust me, it’s not going to kill you!
Wow!  That feels a little better already!  Most of us with fibro, or any other form of chronic pain get really good at stuffing our feelings deep down.  We try not to give people any ammunition to use against us, and believe me it happens!  We listen to people tell us to lose weight, start walking, change our diets, stop taking so much medication, and the list just goes on and on.  But, you can only stuff your feelings down for so long until things erupt.  Well, this was my eruption!  All I ask is that you try to put yourself in our shoes for just a little while.  Believe me, you will take those shoes off pretty darn quick.  Just remember that I don’t get to take