I'm Tired of Being Responsible

I'm going to share something with you today that I'm not really proud of, but it is what it is.  I'm tired of being responsible.  Now, I don't mean that I want to go out partying, or go on a crazy shopping spree that I can't afford, or anything like that.  I'm tired of having to be responsible for everything that happens at home.  As you know, my husband and I are both disabled.  He is confined to a wheelchair, and he can't get out and do things the way that I can.  I also know that he would do it for me in a heartbeat if he could.  But, I can't help the way I feel.  There are days when I really resent having to take care of everything.

The last few days, I haven't been feeling very well.  But I have been on the go since 6 am, everyday this week.  I have had to run all sorts of errands, shopping, bill paying, taking the boys here and there.  I haven't been sleeping well and my knees are hurting so bad that every step is agony.  All I want to do is spend a couple of days off my feet, doing as little as possible.  But that just isn't possible.  Jack has basketball practice this morning, I have a few more errands to run while he is there, and then I have to go back and pick him up.  Once we get home, he has to jump in the shower, and then back in the car we go to take him to a friends house for a slumber party.

I try not to complain too much about the things I have to do.  It really doesn't do me any good, anyway.  When I do say that I don't feel up to doing the things I have to do, Dale gives me a handful of reactions.  Sometimes I get the Dale who tries to make me feel guilty with something along the lines of "Well, if I wasn't stuck in this wheelchair, I'd go do it myself, but I just can't."  I know that you can't, and I'm not asking you to do it.  I just want you to realize that I am disabled, too, and there are days when I can't push myself any further.  Another reaction that I get is passive aggressive: "Fine!  Just don't do it and we'll just starve, or they can just come and cut the water off!"  Or, insert whatever response you want into this.  I'm going to take care of it, I just want you to realize that sometimes, I feel just as bad, or worse, than you do!

We refer to chronic pain, fibro, and other illnesses like these as "invisible conditions".  You don't necessarily see that we have anything wrong with us.  I can understand that from people who don't know me.  I've actually gotten rather used to it, unfortunately.  But is it to much to ask that my family, who I am with day in and day out, remember that I have a chronic condition?  For the most part, my husband is very good about my problems.  He does what he can around the house, and quite often tells me not to get up, because he knows how bad I am feeling.  But the minute something needs done outside the house, he completely forgets that I may not be feeling up to it right at that moment.

Well!  I feel a little better, now that I've gotten that off my chest!  I will continue to do what has to be done.  I'll keep running all the errands that have to be run, and for the most part, I will do it with a smile on my face.  To be honest, I really don't have a choice in the matter.  But sometimes, you just have to let it all out, and I thank you for letting me rant and rave, even for a few short minutes!