Who Am I?

Who am I? The simple answer is that I am a wife and mother to three teenage boys. I am 49 years old. I was born and raised in Ft. Smith, AR, and I currently live in Bardstown, KY. I am a daughter who thinks that her mother hung the moon, and I am a sister. These are the simple answers to the question "Who am I?", but I am so much more than this.

I am a survivor, first and foremost. I survived brain surgery at 6 weeks of age, when the doctor's actually told my parents not to get too attached because I was probably going to die, and if I did survive the surgery, I would most likely have severe brain damage. Neither of these things happened. In fact, thanks to some out of the box thinking, I was the first baby to survive the surgery. I survived childhood sexual abuse at the hands of two different predators. One was the grandfather of our next door neighbor, and the other was a teenage boy in the neighborhood. Both of these acts happened before I was 8 years old. I survived crushing depression as a teenage girl, and while I still battle depression, I know that I am stronger than it is.

I am a caregiver. My husband is also disabled. He has a condition called spinocerebellar ataxia. This is a hereditary condition which causes the cerebellum to deteriorate. The condition causes a loss of control of both fine and gross muscle movements. Dale is now confined to a wheel chair. He can stand if he has something to hold on to, but he can no longer walk. The condition is progressive and will get worse with time. Because it is hereditary, there is a 50/50 chance that our sons will have it.

I am a mother to three teenagers, and this is probably the hardest and most rewarding part of who I am. I'm far from perfect, but I do the best I can. Each boy is an individual, with his own strong points, and failings. Nothing I have ever done in my life has been more rewarding and, at the same time, more painful, than being a mother.

And, like millions of people, I am a sufferer of chronic pain. I wake up in pain, and I go to bed in pain. There are days when it is all I can do to walk from the bed to the bathroom. But I do it. Because of my husband's disability, he can no longer drive. So, no matter how I am feeling, if things need to be done, or the boys have to go somewhere, it falls on me. And I take care of it. There are many days when all I can do is cry. I cry for the life I used to live; I cry because the pain is so intense; I cry because I don't feel good enough; I cry because I feel that I am letting so many people down. And then, I wipe my eyes, blow my nose, and keep going.

Like everyone, I am a complex individual. There are so many different aspects to who I am, and I am still getting to know many of them. I hope that by learning more of who I am, it will encourage you, my dear reader, to explore the many different parts of you. And in the end, I hope that we can both learn to love who we are, and strive to become the person we want to be in the end.