Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Guilty Mother Syndrome

For those of us with chronic pain who have children, we also suffer from Guilty Mother Syndrome.  This is, for me anyway, one of the worst parts of having chronic pain.  I am the mother of three teenage boys.  When I had my first child, I envisioned myself as Super Mom.  I knew that I would be at every school event, every sporting event, every milestone.  I believed that I would make sure my children got to explore everything that they were interested in, be it music, athletics, the arts.  You name it, and if one of my boys wanted to try it, I would make it happen.

And, for awhile, I did everything to live up to this.  Anytime they had something going on at school, I was there.  Because I had to work, I wasn't able to volunteer in the classroom or that type of thing, but the after school activities were important and I was there.  I was so proud of my boys, and I still am.  But, when my oldest child was only 8 years old, my physical problems began.

This is when I started having my back problems.  When I felt the first pain, I was off work for almost two months while doctors tried, and failed, to "fix" me.  I was told that I would have to learn to live with it.  I went back to work, and when I got home, I had nothing left to give.  I had to work in order to support my family.  My husband's illness had begun just before this, and he was no longer able to work, so everything was in my hands.  My promise to myself to be Super Mom withered and died right then and there.

I went to the things that I could, but I couldn't be counted on anymore.  Some days, by the time I got home from work, all I could do was take my pain medicine and crawl into my bed and try to get through the night so that I could do the same thing the very next day.  I tried so hard to do the things that I had before, but I just physically couldn't.  And when I would tell my child that I knew I had promised we would go to the school carnival, but that I just couldn't do it, I would see the pain and disappointment in their little faces.  My boys would say that they understood, but I knew they didn't.  I didn't understand, so how could an 8, 6, and 4 year old understand?

Eventually, my problems became so severe that I could no longer work.  There were weeks when I couldn't get out of the bed, and pretty soon, my boys stopped asking to go to school functions.  They stopped asking if they could join cub scouts or other extra curricular activities.  I could see how disappointed they were, and the guilt that I felt was crushing.  As the boys got older, they started participating in team sports.  I was so proud of them.  I was able to take them and pick them up from practices, but going to the games was just about impossible.  They would come home and tell me all about it, and how well they had played.  I would apologize for not being there, and they would say that they understood.  But I knew differently.

Mom's pain has become a member of the family now.  I do as much as I can, but it's never enough for me.  I managed to attend my oldest son's last football game his senior year of high school.  This was Senior Night, and during half time, the senior's and their families went onto the field for a ceremony.  I treasure the picture's from that night and I can see the pride in my son's face as he stood on that field with his family.  We didn't look like most of the other families.  I held tightly to my son's arm, partly out of pride, and partly to keep from falling because standing there was causing me so much pain.  And his father was on his other side in his wheelchair.  It meant so much to him, and to me, that we were able to be there for that.

Guilty Mother Syndrome will be with me for the rest of my life.  I feel guilty for all the things that my children have missed out on because of my chronic pain.  I feel guilty that I haven't been there for everything that they were able to do.  I feel guilty every time I tell one of them that I'm sorry I couldn't be there for them, and I feel guilty every time they tell me that they understand and to not worry about it.  In fact, I'm already starting to feel guilty for not being the grandmother I want to be, and they are all years away from having children of their own!

But I comfort myself in knowing that I have raised good young men.  My son's have more compassion for others because of what I have been through.  They are kind and understanding.  They do what they can to help others, and they stick up for the underdog.  I am so proud of these three boys, and I know that they are going to go far in life.  I'm working on the Guilty Mother Syndrome, because I know that they don't want me to feel this way.  I actually did a good job as a mother, and this is one thing that I don't have to feel guilty about.

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