Fear

I have a confession to make.  I am living my life in fear.  Now, you wouldn't know it to look at me, and you probably wouldn't even guess it if you sat down and had a long heart to heart talk with me.  But there it is...out in the open.  I am living my life with a hearty helping of fear.  Now, this is a closely guarded secret, but I am realizing that it is our secrets that can make us sick, emotionally.  I'm trying to let go of some of those secrets.


As I have mentioned before, I am going to be 50 very soon.  When I was growing up, and I saw people who were my current age, I assumed that they had it all together, and they couldn't possibly be afraid of anything.  They seemed to be so much wiser than me, and they seemed to have all of the answers.  Now, I'm thinking that maybe they didn't have it quite as together as I thought they did.

There are so many things that I'm afraid of right now, and I really don't have any of the answers.  The purpose of this isn't to give you answers on handling the fear.  I think the purpose is sort of like sending a probe into outer space, trying to find out if I'm all alone in feeling this way.  So.  What are some of the things that I am afraid of?

I'm scared of my own bad health.  I'm afraid of the thought of living in this kind of pain for the rest of my life.  I'm afraid of living the rest of my life in the limited way that I'm living it right now.  I'm afraid of getting worse than I am right now.  I'm afraid of not having anyone to help me when things get worse.  This is just a sampling of the things I am afraid of regarding my own health.

I'm afraid of my husband's bad health.  The condition that he has is hereditary and progressive.  He is already confined to a wheelchair, he can't drive, he can't get in and out of our house without help.  What is going to happen 5, 10, 20 years down the road when he needs more help than I can provide?  How do you tell your husband, who you love, that you can longer care for him and you are going to have to put him in a nursing home for his own good?  The thought of this scares me to death.

I mentioned that my husband's disease is hereditary.  There is a 50/50 chance that our sons will develop the condition in time.  We have three beautiful, healthy, active boys.  This condition usually strikes in the prime of life, between the ages of 35-45.  I'm terrified of the effect that it will have on them, their wives and their children.  I know how hard it's been for my husband, and for me, to deal with.

These are just a few of the things that I'm afraid of.  I don't have any answers, and I don't know how to get rid of these fears.  There are times when I wake up in the middle of the night with that breathless feeling you get on a roller coaster.  Sometimes, I think that the answers to these questions just aren't out there.  But, despite the fears that I have, I refuse to let them rule my life.  We have learned to coexist with one another.  I have learned that I have to keep going, whether the fear is there or not.

So, now I have released that probe and I want to know what you are afraid of.  Are you afraid of health problems?  Are you afraid for what the future holds for your children?  Are you afraid of how you will take care of your aging parents?  What are you afraid of? Share with me!  There is strength in numbers, and maybe someone has the answer to help you with one of your fears, and maybe you have the answer to help me with one of mine.