Courage

Since my knee surgery, I have had such a rough time of it.  I'm not recovering the way I thought I would, for starters.  I really thought that I was doing so well, and then I went to the doctor and he knocked the wind out of my sails by telling me how wrong I was in that regard!  He put me on bed rest, and here I sit, enduring what I've come to think of as forced captivity!  On top of having my wings clipped, my pain levels have gone through the roof!  My back hurts worse than it has in a very long time, and I keep cycling from one fibro flare up to the next.  It's not a lot of fun, I promise you!

I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that I'm handling this well.  I've been whiny and weepy, and I've had a daily pity party.  I'm tired of feeling this bad, and I can't imagine having to live this way for 30 more years.  That being said, I am here for the long haul!  I will keep fighting the decline of my body with everything I have, because, as the saying goes, I'm not gonna let the bastards win!

Recently, I have heard a lot of people talking about committing suicide.  The common thread that runs through the talk is something along the lines of, "If I was brave enough, I would kill myself."  Brave enough?  If you had the courage?  These are the most cowardly words I think I've ever heard in my life!  Trust me, it doesn't take courage to check out.  It takes courage to keep living this life with the chronic pain and everything that goes with it!

I know what I'm talking about because a few years ago, I tried to commit suicide, and I was a complete failure at it, and I thank God everyday for it!  It didn't take courage for me to decide to check out.  It took cowardice, fear, and extreme selfishness.  Sure, I wouldn't be here to deal with the physical and emotional pain that I live with everyday, but wow!  What a mess I would be creating for my loved ones to live with!  How very selfish of me!

It takes courage to live every day with the misery of chronic pain. It takes courage to face the people who don't believe the things that we go through day in and day out.  It takes courage to fight through the exhaustion that this condition forces on us.  It takes courage to reach up through the darkness of depression that descends on each and every one of us.  It takes far more courage to live.

My suicide attempt was almost five years ago, and my children are just now starting to trust me again.  Not long ago, I was having a day when I was wallowing in self-pity.  I wasn't going to commit suicide, in fact it was the furthest thing from my mind.  But when I finally unlocked the bedroom door and came out, I discovered that one of my children had hidden my pain medication, just in case.  How could I have done this to my precious babies?

I spent two weeks in a mental institution following my suicide attempt, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.  And, if I ever have those feelings again, I will immediately check myself back in.  There is no shame in seeking help for the black hole of depression, but there is shame in making sure that you force those who love you straight down in that same hole.

I was convinced that no one loved me.  I was convinced that they would be better off without me.  I was convinced that they wouldn't miss me.  I was convinced that their lives would be so much better off, that they wouldn't even mourn my passing.  I couldn't have been more wrong about each and every one of these thoughts.

If you truly want to be brave, then you have to keep fighting against the demons in your life.  You have to realize that you are important to the people in your life.  You have to understand the damage you will do to those who truly love you, and believe me, they do truly love you.  Be proud of the fight you are fighting.  Regardless of the doubters and haters around you, you are stronger than they will ever be.  And your life matters, more than you will ever know.