Looking inward is rarely an easy thing to do. If you are anything like me, there is always a fear that you will find things within yourself that you would rather not face; things within yourself that you know you will you not like about yourself. That being said, I have felt a compulsion to look into those dark recesses to try and determine what is going on with me right now. There are things that I don't like, and there are things that I feel helpless to repair.
The first thing that I find is that I am carrying around a lot of resentment right now. I don't like that feel this way, but at the moment, I feel helpless to let go of this resentment. As most of you know, my husband and I are both disabled. His disability has left him confined to a wheelchair, and it is a progressive disease with no cure. He does what he can to help out around the house, and I will say that he does a lot. He has days when he is unable to do anything, and I understand that and try not to hold it against him. If you notice, I said that I TRY not to hold it against him. Unfortunately, I am not always successful in that, hence the resentment.
Because of my fibro, and the problems with my back, there are days when I deal with excruciating pain. There are days when the only thing I feel like doing is lying in my bed or huddling in my recliner, praying that the pain will soon pass. Sometimes, the pain lingers for days and weeks, with little or no relief, despite what I do. According to my doctors, and the Social Security Administration, I am completely disabled, to the point that working isn't a possibility for me. But to look at me, you wouldn't know that I am disabled. My disability is invisible. Despite this fact, I have no choice but to keep going, irregardless of how bad I feel.
My husband is no longer able to drive. Because of this, all of the errand running falls on my shoulders. Granted, my son Matt has his drivers license now, and he will run some errands for me. The mother in me, however, feels guilty about expecting him to do things for me. He is an 18 year old boy, experiencing his last summer before college. Matt has a lovely girlfriend and friends that he wants to hang out with before leaving for school in a couple of weeks. I don't want to take that time away from him by expecting him to handle my business for me. And so, I try to limit the things he does for me.
I shouldn't resent doing these things for my family. I feel guilty when I do finally say I can't do anything else. I feel guilty when I look at Matt and ask him to go to the grocery story for me, or take Jack to work. I feel guilty when I have to look at one of my boys and tell them that they can't do something because I don't know how I will get down the back steps to the car, and back up the steps when I get home. I feel guilty when I tell the boys to eat a sandwich for dinner, instead of cooking a meal for them. I also resent all of them when they seem not to care how badly I am hurting when they want me to do something for them.
I wish that I had the answers to make this resentment just go away. I wish that I didn't feel this way. I wish that I had never developed fibro and crippling back problems. I wish that I could be the mother that I always dreamed of being. But, there is an old saying that goes, "If wishes were horses, then beggars might ride." My wishes do me no good, because I see no way of changing the situation that I am in. Hence, the resentment and guilt that I live with every single day.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Sunday, August 4, 2013
I'm Sorry it's Been So Long
To those of you who have been faithful, long time readers of my little blog, I owe you an apology. It has been such a long time since I've written anything, and I don't really have a good excuse for letting something that has meant so much to me, and hopefully to you, fall by the wayside. I can try to explain by saying that things have been very busy, but that excuse doesn't really work. Things have been busy in my life before, and I still found time to write. I can say that I haven't felt well enough to write, but that doesn't work either, because even when I have felt worse than this, I have found time to write. I could also say that my insomnia has made writing difficult, but once again, it doesn't work, because my insomnia is no worse than it has been since I was 10 years old and first developed it.
I guess the best reason that I can offer for not writing is depression. Lately, I have felt a deep depression that hasn't let up. There is no real reason for it, but then those of you who suffer from clinical depression know that there is rarely a reason for falling into the black hole of depression. I just have felt that nothing I had to say would be worth reading, even though, logically, I knew that people enjoyed reading the things that I have written in the past. Unfortunately, logic and depression rarely walk hand in hand with one another.
I know that I need to talk to my doctor about prescribing me an antidepressant again. I have never been ashamed about the fact that I suffer from depression. It runs in my family like blue eyes or brown hair. But for some reason that I don't understand, I haven't wanted to admit to anyone that the black hole had crept up on me again. I have always told others that depression is no different from any other physical ailment. I think the term "mental illness" is so misleading, considering the fact that depression, like other illnesses, springs from a physical cause. I have a brain chemistry that just doesn't work. And I know from experience that medication helps to realign that chemistry so that I don't suffer from the effects. So why haven't I just told my doctor that I need help right now?
Unfortunately, I don't have the answer to that question right now. I suppose that the depression itself may hold the answer. However, the next time that I see my doctor, I am going to be honest with both him and myself, and ask for help. I'm not being fair to myself by not seeking help for something that can be so easily treated. There is no shame in asking for help when you truly need it. I have told this to many people, and it is time that I take my own advice. That being said, I also promise to be more diligent in writing again. I got so much out of writing my blog, probably more than I gave to others, so I am going to make a concerted effort to keep up with it again. For those of you who have been faithful readers, I hope that you will once again join my on my journey.
I guess the best reason that I can offer for not writing is depression. Lately, I have felt a deep depression that hasn't let up. There is no real reason for it, but then those of you who suffer from clinical depression know that there is rarely a reason for falling into the black hole of depression. I just have felt that nothing I had to say would be worth reading, even though, logically, I knew that people enjoyed reading the things that I have written in the past. Unfortunately, logic and depression rarely walk hand in hand with one another.
I know that I need to talk to my doctor about prescribing me an antidepressant again. I have never been ashamed about the fact that I suffer from depression. It runs in my family like blue eyes or brown hair. But for some reason that I don't understand, I haven't wanted to admit to anyone that the black hole had crept up on me again. I have always told others that depression is no different from any other physical ailment. I think the term "mental illness" is so misleading, considering the fact that depression, like other illnesses, springs from a physical cause. I have a brain chemistry that just doesn't work. And I know from experience that medication helps to realign that chemistry so that I don't suffer from the effects. So why haven't I just told my doctor that I need help right now?
Unfortunately, I don't have the answer to that question right now. I suppose that the depression itself may hold the answer. However, the next time that I see my doctor, I am going to be honest with both him and myself, and ask for help. I'm not being fair to myself by not seeking help for something that can be so easily treated. There is no shame in asking for help when you truly need it. I have told this to many people, and it is time that I take my own advice. That being said, I also promise to be more diligent in writing again. I got so much out of writing my blog, probably more than I gave to others, so I am going to make a concerted effort to keep up with it again. For those of you who have been faithful readers, I hope that you will once again join my on my journey.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
All I Want is Eight Straight Hours of Sleep!
As the title says, I would give just about anything for eight straight, uninterrupted hours of sleep. I'm talking about that deep, restful sleep that you wake up from, ready to take on anything life has to throw at you. I can't remember the last time I had that kind of sleep. In fact, I can't remember the last time I had eight straight hours of bad sleep, to be honest with you! Sleep is one of the things that fibro, and chronic pain, has stolen from me, and it is one of the things I miss the most. I am exhausted all the time. And no, exhausted isn't an exaggeration!
I have always had problems with sleep. I experienced my first bout of insomnia at the ripe old age of ten. I can remember lying in my bed, crying, because I was so very tired and couldn't fall asleep no matter what I did. However, when you are ten, you seem to bounce back from things like that pretty quickly. And the insomnia wasn't a constant thing. Every three of four months, I would experience insomnia. I would have a couple of sleepless nights and then things would go back to normal. I learned how to deal with the occasional sleepless night.
My real problems with sleep started with when I was forty and first started having problems with my back. Pain would have me lying awake for what seemed like days at a time. The only time I would sleep would be right after my pain medication would kick in, and then I would be able to sleep for three or four hours at a time, but we all know that medicated sleep isn't good sleep. I learned to function on less and less sleep, and I tried to convince myself that I really didn't need all that much sleep. We all know that isn't true at all!
The effects of sleep deprivation are with me on a daily basis. Not only am I tired all the time, I am frequently short tempered. I snap at my husband and children over minor things. I know I'm doing it, but I can't seem to stop myself. I also experience an increase in the amount of depression that I deal with. I can also feel the effects in a physical manor. I have more headaches than I used to have and I can tell that my blood pressure is elevated after a long period of sleeplessness. I can't find the energy to do the things that I know I need to do. Simple things become almost impossible. I can't think clearly, and I know that all of this is related to my lack of sleep.
And now, here we are ten years after having major back surgery which was supposed to "fix" me and didn't. I am still dealing with chronic pain, and I still can't sleep! I average about four hours of sleep a night. Those four hours are rarely straight through, either. I frequently wake up during the night; sometimes for a few minutes and other times for a few hours. Many nights, I will lie there trying to talk myself into sleep, only to give up and get up after a couple of hours. Some days, I am lucky enough to be able to take a nap, and other days I'm not. And even though I am getting some sleep, it's still not the same as those blissful eight straight hours of sleep that I crave!
I have always had problems with sleep. I experienced my first bout of insomnia at the ripe old age of ten. I can remember lying in my bed, crying, because I was so very tired and couldn't fall asleep no matter what I did. However, when you are ten, you seem to bounce back from things like that pretty quickly. And the insomnia wasn't a constant thing. Every three of four months, I would experience insomnia. I would have a couple of sleepless nights and then things would go back to normal. I learned how to deal with the occasional sleepless night.
My real problems with sleep started with when I was forty and first started having problems with my back. Pain would have me lying awake for what seemed like days at a time. The only time I would sleep would be right after my pain medication would kick in, and then I would be able to sleep for three or four hours at a time, but we all know that medicated sleep isn't good sleep. I learned to function on less and less sleep, and I tried to convince myself that I really didn't need all that much sleep. We all know that isn't true at all!
The effects of sleep deprivation are with me on a daily basis. Not only am I tired all the time, I am frequently short tempered. I snap at my husband and children over minor things. I know I'm doing it, but I can't seem to stop myself. I also experience an increase in the amount of depression that I deal with. I can also feel the effects in a physical manor. I have more headaches than I used to have and I can tell that my blood pressure is elevated after a long period of sleeplessness. I can't find the energy to do the things that I know I need to do. Simple things become almost impossible. I can't think clearly, and I know that all of this is related to my lack of sleep.
And now, here we are ten years after having major back surgery which was supposed to "fix" me and didn't. I am still dealing with chronic pain, and I still can't sleep! I average about four hours of sleep a night. Those four hours are rarely straight through, either. I frequently wake up during the night; sometimes for a few minutes and other times for a few hours. Many nights, I will lie there trying to talk myself into sleep, only to give up and get up after a couple of hours. Some days, I am lucky enough to be able to take a nap, and other days I'm not. And even though I am getting some sleep, it's still not the same as those blissful eight straight hours of sleep that I crave!
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
It Can Happen to You!
In April of 2012, the Commonwealth of Kentucky declared war of people suffering from chronic pain conditions. It was at this time that the Kentucky state legislature passed House Bill 1. The stated purpose of this piece of legislation is to crack down on the numerous "pill mill" operations which were operating in the Commonwealth at the time. Unfortunately, despite claims to the contrary, the true victims of this bill are those of us who suffer from chronic pain conditions, and the legitimate doctor's who provide pain management treatment.
We can all agree that the "pill mills" were not providing a legitimate service to legitimate pain patients. Many of these offices operated on a cash only basis, and they would provide prescriptions of heavy duty opiates to anyone who could tell a good story. Most of the patrons of these types of operations were not legitimate pain patients, but individuals seeking drugs, whether for there own use of to sell to the many people using opiate medication simply as a means of getting high. Kentucky does have one of the highest rates of drug abuse in the country, with an alarming number of drug overdoses, and deaths.
Unfortunately, HB 1 did not stop at simply shutting down the "pill mills". All doctors in Kentucky have come under suspicion for prescribing opiate pain medications. This includes both family doctors and pain management specialists. The number of prescriptions for opiates that a doctor writes per month is held up to scrutiny by the Commonwealth of Kentucky. Because of this, many good doctor's are now refusing to treat patients who are living with chronic pain conditions. These doctor's are in a constant state of fear at the prospect of losing their licenses, and in return, their livelihood. It is much easier for many of these doctor's to simply stop prescribing opiates except in the most extreme cases.
The fallout doesn't stop with the doctor's, however. It rains down upon the thousands of patients suffering from intractable chronic pain. If a person can find a doctor willing to treat them, the pain patient is immediately looked on with suspicion. A state report is generated on each individual patient. This report, known as a KASPER report, shows every doctor the patient has seen and every prescription the patient has received. Because this report is required, each patient is at once looked upon as a potential drug addict. This immediately makes the trust required between physician and patient difficult to achieve at best.
I have personally fallen victim to this new law. Prior to receiving my Medicare, I was treated at a free clinic in my town. The clinic was staffed with volunteers, from the people answering the phone, to the doctor's providing treatment. It was very rare to see the same doctor more than once. When I initially started going to this clinic, they were providing pain management services to me since I had no insurance and was unable to see a pain management provider. Each time I went, I would see a different doctor, who would continue to prescribe my medications.
Two years of this went by, until I finally received my Medicare and was able to find a private physician. During the course of my search, I reinjured my back and made an appointment with a local doctor. This doctor spoke with me for a few minutes, and then excused himself from the exam room. Several minutes later, her returned and I could tell from looking at him that he was angry. For what seemed like an eternity, he berated me. I was called a doctor shopper and a drug addict. I knew immediately that he had run a KASPER report on me and was seeing all the different doctor's that I had seen, as well as the number of prescriptions for narcotics which I had received. I tried to explain to him about having been a patient at our local clinic, but his mind was made up. He informed me that he wasn't willing to risk his career on a drug addict like me. I left the office in tears, and, needless to say, I never returned.
If you think that Kentucky is an isolated case, think again. This most definitely can happen to you! Many states have already enacted similar legislation, or are looking into making similar laws. I am urging you to stay informed. Keep abreast of the type of legislation your state government is trying to pass. Contact your state senators and representatives and let them know how something like this would affect your medical care, as well as your quality of life. Many chronic pain sufferers are bonding together in our state, trying to get this legislation amended in such a way that chronic pain patients are better protected from legislation like this. It is most definitely an uphill battle, but we are making some headway. Don't bury your head in the sand! Stand up and shout as loudly as you can that you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, and do it before it's too late.
We can all agree that the "pill mills" were not providing a legitimate service to legitimate pain patients. Many of these offices operated on a cash only basis, and they would provide prescriptions of heavy duty opiates to anyone who could tell a good story. Most of the patrons of these types of operations were not legitimate pain patients, but individuals seeking drugs, whether for there own use of to sell to the many people using opiate medication simply as a means of getting high. Kentucky does have one of the highest rates of drug abuse in the country, with an alarming number of drug overdoses, and deaths.
Unfortunately, HB 1 did not stop at simply shutting down the "pill mills". All doctors in Kentucky have come under suspicion for prescribing opiate pain medications. This includes both family doctors and pain management specialists. The number of prescriptions for opiates that a doctor writes per month is held up to scrutiny by the Commonwealth of Kentucky. Because of this, many good doctor's are now refusing to treat patients who are living with chronic pain conditions. These doctor's are in a constant state of fear at the prospect of losing their licenses, and in return, their livelihood. It is much easier for many of these doctor's to simply stop prescribing opiates except in the most extreme cases.
The fallout doesn't stop with the doctor's, however. It rains down upon the thousands of patients suffering from intractable chronic pain. If a person can find a doctor willing to treat them, the pain patient is immediately looked on with suspicion. A state report is generated on each individual patient. This report, known as a KASPER report, shows every doctor the patient has seen and every prescription the patient has received. Because this report is required, each patient is at once looked upon as a potential drug addict. This immediately makes the trust required between physician and patient difficult to achieve at best.
I have personally fallen victim to this new law. Prior to receiving my Medicare, I was treated at a free clinic in my town. The clinic was staffed with volunteers, from the people answering the phone, to the doctor's providing treatment. It was very rare to see the same doctor more than once. When I initially started going to this clinic, they were providing pain management services to me since I had no insurance and was unable to see a pain management provider. Each time I went, I would see a different doctor, who would continue to prescribe my medications.
Two years of this went by, until I finally received my Medicare and was able to find a private physician. During the course of my search, I reinjured my back and made an appointment with a local doctor. This doctor spoke with me for a few minutes, and then excused himself from the exam room. Several minutes later, her returned and I could tell from looking at him that he was angry. For what seemed like an eternity, he berated me. I was called a doctor shopper and a drug addict. I knew immediately that he had run a KASPER report on me and was seeing all the different doctor's that I had seen, as well as the number of prescriptions for narcotics which I had received. I tried to explain to him about having been a patient at our local clinic, but his mind was made up. He informed me that he wasn't willing to risk his career on a drug addict like me. I left the office in tears, and, needless to say, I never returned.
If you think that Kentucky is an isolated case, think again. This most definitely can happen to you! Many states have already enacted similar legislation, or are looking into making similar laws. I am urging you to stay informed. Keep abreast of the type of legislation your state government is trying to pass. Contact your state senators and representatives and let them know how something like this would affect your medical care, as well as your quality of life. Many chronic pain sufferers are bonding together in our state, trying to get this legislation amended in such a way that chronic pain patients are better protected from legislation like this. It is most definitely an uphill battle, but we are making some headway. Don't bury your head in the sand! Stand up and shout as loudly as you can that you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, and do it before it's too late.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Depression
Those of us suffering from a chronic pain condition deal with depression periodically. Living with never-ending pain is enough to make anyone depressed. We lose friendships over our conditions. Our activities are often limited at best. We frequently have difficulty finding doctors willing to treat us. If your are anything like me, you probably feel very guilty about the things you can no longer do for your families. We do the best that we can, but so often feel like it's never enough. I'm going through one of those phases right now.
As many of you know, my husband was recently hospitalized for 3 weeks due to a flare up of his condition. He's home now, and that's a good thing. The problem is with me. I am feeling so resentful towards him right now. This isn't something I'm proud of, and if I could just flip a switch and make those feelings go away, I would. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. He has lost more ground with this flare up. He has in home therapists coming to see him, but he isn't working on it when they aren't here. More and more is falling on my shoulders, and I can't refuse to do things, or they just won't get done.
The last week has been especially hard on me. I have had to be on my feet, running errand after errand. The boys have had things they have to do, and I have had to take them here, there, and everywhere. I'm not sleeping well, I still don't have any pain medication, and I am absolutely miserable. I don't have the option of looking at my husband and saying, "I don't feel like doing this. You do it.". Because of this, I feel myself slipping deeper into a depression. Quite frankly, I am miserable right now.
Quite honestly, if I could find a big enough hole, I would crawl into it and pull the dirt over the top of it. But again, this isn't an option. I need a break, and there isn't anyone to give me that break. Finances are difficult right now. Dale's medication upon leaving the hospital cost around $350, which isn't in the budget, but he has to have the medicine. I am at a loss for what to do right now. I am honestly thinking that I am going to have to give up my disability and find a job, but I don't know if my body will allow that. But something has to give, and I am the only one who is able to do the giving at this point.
I feel like a horrible person right now. I can't do enough for anyone, and everyone needs something from me. I want someone to take care of me for a change, but that isn't going to happen. I really do try to stay as upbeat as possible, but right now, I just can't pull myself up. Thank you, my friends, for letting me vent.
As many of you know, my husband was recently hospitalized for 3 weeks due to a flare up of his condition. He's home now, and that's a good thing. The problem is with me. I am feeling so resentful towards him right now. This isn't something I'm proud of, and if I could just flip a switch and make those feelings go away, I would. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. He has lost more ground with this flare up. He has in home therapists coming to see him, but he isn't working on it when they aren't here. More and more is falling on my shoulders, and I can't refuse to do things, or they just won't get done.
The last week has been especially hard on me. I have had to be on my feet, running errand after errand. The boys have had things they have to do, and I have had to take them here, there, and everywhere. I'm not sleeping well, I still don't have any pain medication, and I am absolutely miserable. I don't have the option of looking at my husband and saying, "I don't feel like doing this. You do it.". Because of this, I feel myself slipping deeper into a depression. Quite frankly, I am miserable right now.
Quite honestly, if I could find a big enough hole, I would crawl into it and pull the dirt over the top of it. But again, this isn't an option. I need a break, and there isn't anyone to give me that break. Finances are difficult right now. Dale's medication upon leaving the hospital cost around $350, which isn't in the budget, but he has to have the medicine. I am at a loss for what to do right now. I am honestly thinking that I am going to have to give up my disability and find a job, but I don't know if my body will allow that. But something has to give, and I am the only one who is able to do the giving at this point.
I feel like a horrible person right now. I can't do enough for anyone, and everyone needs something from me. I want someone to take care of me for a change, but that isn't going to happen. I really do try to stay as upbeat as possible, but right now, I just can't pull myself up. Thank you, my friends, for letting me vent.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
A Rough Two Weeks
I have to tell you that the last two weeks have been really rough for me and my family. As many of you know, my husband has a condition called spino-cerebellar ataxia.. This is a progressive disease, and when it does make a progression, Dale has an attack which looks and acts a great deal like a stroke. When he has one of these attacks, I usually have to take him to the hospital. About two weeks ago, Dale had another attack and I had to call an ambulance to take him to the hospital. This one was worse than usual. It wasn't long until we realized that Dale's left leg was paralyzed.
Our little hospital here in Bardstown doesn't have a neurology department, and they weren't equipped to treat his condition. The emergency room doctor contacted Dale's neurologist, and he was transported to a hospital in Louisville. After many tests, they confirmed that his disease was indeed progressing. According to the doctor's, the paralysis in his leg was unrelated to his condition. After another MRI, we were told that all the years of sitting in his wheelchair had severely pinched a nerve, and had caused the disks in his lower back to bulge and press upon his spinal cord. They hoped that intense physical therapy would relieve the problem, and he was transferred to Frazier Rehab Hospital.
Dale has worked so hard at his therapy, and I couldn't be prouder of him. They have actually been able to get him up on a walker and taking steps for the first time in many years. The problem is that his leg is still paralyzed. The doctor's and therapist's have said that they have basically done all that they can do and they will be sending him home on Wednesday of next week. Once Dale gets home, he will be getting in-home physical and occupational therapy. When I pick him up on Wednesday, we immediately leave the hospital and go to see a neurosurgeon. They are hoping that surgery might restore the feeling and movement to his leg.
I'm excited that my husband is coming home from the hospital. I'm not that good at being single! Both of my boys have been away this weekend, and it was very nice the first night, but tonight, I'm feeling a little lonely and would love to have someone to talk to. It's very quiet in my house at the moment! So, I think we will have to have a celebration Wednesday night! Now, as happy as I am that Dale is coming home, I'm also a little worried about it, too. Dale is going to need more assistance than he has in the past, and I don't always know that I'm up to the job. For example, his physical therapist told me that in order to get him up the steps to our house, I will need to support his body, while at the same time physically lifting his left leg up each step. I honestly don't know if I am physically strong enough to this. I can't depend on my sons being home each and every time Dale has to come into or leave the house.
I feel guilty about even worrying about things like this. Right now, Dale needs me and I want to be there for him. I want to do everything I can to take care of him, and I know that I will do what has to be done. But what happens if I discover that I can't do all the things that need to be done? What if I can't get him up the steps? What do I do then? I have to think about these things, and so far, I haven't come up with any options. I suppose that this is one of those bridges that we will cross when we get to it.
In the meantime, please keep us in your prayers. This has been a long and difficult road for us, and it is still stretching out before us for the foreseeable future.
Our little hospital here in Bardstown doesn't have a neurology department, and they weren't equipped to treat his condition. The emergency room doctor contacted Dale's neurologist, and he was transported to a hospital in Louisville. After many tests, they confirmed that his disease was indeed progressing. According to the doctor's, the paralysis in his leg was unrelated to his condition. After another MRI, we were told that all the years of sitting in his wheelchair had severely pinched a nerve, and had caused the disks in his lower back to bulge and press upon his spinal cord. They hoped that intense physical therapy would relieve the problem, and he was transferred to Frazier Rehab Hospital.
Dale has worked so hard at his therapy, and I couldn't be prouder of him. They have actually been able to get him up on a walker and taking steps for the first time in many years. The problem is that his leg is still paralyzed. The doctor's and therapist's have said that they have basically done all that they can do and they will be sending him home on Wednesday of next week. Once Dale gets home, he will be getting in-home physical and occupational therapy. When I pick him up on Wednesday, we immediately leave the hospital and go to see a neurosurgeon. They are hoping that surgery might restore the feeling and movement to his leg.
I'm excited that my husband is coming home from the hospital. I'm not that good at being single! Both of my boys have been away this weekend, and it was very nice the first night, but tonight, I'm feeling a little lonely and would love to have someone to talk to. It's very quiet in my house at the moment! So, I think we will have to have a celebration Wednesday night! Now, as happy as I am that Dale is coming home, I'm also a little worried about it, too. Dale is going to need more assistance than he has in the past, and I don't always know that I'm up to the job. For example, his physical therapist told me that in order to get him up the steps to our house, I will need to support his body, while at the same time physically lifting his left leg up each step. I honestly don't know if I am physically strong enough to this. I can't depend on my sons being home each and every time Dale has to come into or leave the house.
I feel guilty about even worrying about things like this. Right now, Dale needs me and I want to be there for him. I want to do everything I can to take care of him, and I know that I will do what has to be done. But what happens if I discover that I can't do all the things that need to be done? What if I can't get him up the steps? What do I do then? I have to think about these things, and so far, I haven't come up with any options. I suppose that this is one of those bridges that we will cross when we get to it.
In the meantime, please keep us in your prayers. This has been a long and difficult road for us, and it is still stretching out before us for the foreseeable future.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
An Apology
I want to apologize to those of you who have been faithful readers of my blog. I am so sorry that it has been so long since I posted anything, but there have been some extenuating circumstances, which I want to briefly explain. This post probably won't be very long, but it will let you know everything that I am dealing with currently.
Being one of those people that suffers from depression, especially around the holidays, it took me some time to just get over all of the stress. My fibro has been flaring off and on for the last month, which hasn't been at all pleasant. About the time that things started to look better, my husband became extremely ill. One week ago, he had an attack from his condition. By the time the ambulance arrived at the house, his speech was unintelligible, and he had lost all feeling and movement in his left leg.
The doctor in our little hospital here contacted Dale's neurologist, and it was decided that he would be transferred to one of the large hospitals in Louisville. After two MRI's, they discovered a severely pinched nerve in Dale's back which is causing the paralysis in his left leg. He has been transferred Frazier Rehab, which is a world class rehab hospital in Louisville. Dale will probably be in this hospital for 2-3 weeks. If they can't work the pinched nerve out with therapy, they will probably bring in a neurosurgeon to see if it can be fixed that way. If they do decide to do surgery, it will mean an additional 2-3 weeks in the rehab hospital.
Currently, my youngest son is home sick with tonsillitis and an upper respiratory infection, so I am staying home with him right now. Hopefully, he will start feeling better very soon. I am in massive amounts of pain right now, but I will survive. To top it off, we just got a new puppy. Yesterday, we learned that some of his litter mates have developed parvo, and he is showing all the signs and symptoms. We are trying to nurse him through it, but I'm terrified it is a losing battle.
So, as you can see, my plate is pretty full at the moment. I promise that once things calm down a bit, I will be back to writing far more regularly. Thank you for reading!
Being one of those people that suffers from depression, especially around the holidays, it took me some time to just get over all of the stress. My fibro has been flaring off and on for the last month, which hasn't been at all pleasant. About the time that things started to look better, my husband became extremely ill. One week ago, he had an attack from his condition. By the time the ambulance arrived at the house, his speech was unintelligible, and he had lost all feeling and movement in his left leg.
The doctor in our little hospital here contacted Dale's neurologist, and it was decided that he would be transferred to one of the large hospitals in Louisville. After two MRI's, they discovered a severely pinched nerve in Dale's back which is causing the paralysis in his left leg. He has been transferred Frazier Rehab, which is a world class rehab hospital in Louisville. Dale will probably be in this hospital for 2-3 weeks. If they can't work the pinched nerve out with therapy, they will probably bring in a neurosurgeon to see if it can be fixed that way. If they do decide to do surgery, it will mean an additional 2-3 weeks in the rehab hospital.
Currently, my youngest son is home sick with tonsillitis and an upper respiratory infection, so I am staying home with him right now. Hopefully, he will start feeling better very soon. I am in massive amounts of pain right now, but I will survive. To top it off, we just got a new puppy. Yesterday, we learned that some of his litter mates have developed parvo, and he is showing all the signs and symptoms. We are trying to nurse him through it, but I'm terrified it is a losing battle.
So, as you can see, my plate is pretty full at the moment. I promise that once things calm down a bit, I will be back to writing far more regularly. Thank you for reading!
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