Depression

Those of us suffering from a chronic pain condition deal with depression periodically.  Living with never-ending pain is enough to make anyone depressed.  We lose friendships over our conditions.  Our activities are often limited at best.  We frequently have difficulty finding doctors willing to treat us.  If your are anything like me, you probably feel very guilty about the things you can no longer do for your families.  We do the best that we can, but so often feel like it's never enough.  I'm going through one of those phases right now.

As many of you know, my husband was recently hospitalized for 3 weeks due to a flare up of his condition.  He's home now, and that's a good thing.  The problem is with me.  I am feeling so resentful towards him right now.  This isn't something I'm proud of, and if I could just flip a switch and make those feelings go away, I would.  Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way.  He has lost more ground with this flare up.  He has in home therapists coming to see him, but he isn't working on it when they aren't here.  More and more is falling on my shoulders, and I can't refuse to do things, or they just won't get done.

The last week has been especially hard on me.  I have had to be on my feet, running errand after errand.  The boys have had things they have to do, and I have had to take them here, there, and everywhere.  I'm not sleeping well, I still don't have any pain medication, and I am absolutely miserable.  I don't have the option of looking at my husband and saying, "I don't feel like doing this.  You do it.".  Because of this, I feel myself slipping deeper into a depression.  Quite frankly, I am miserable right now.

Quite honestly, if I could find a big enough hole, I would crawl into it and pull the dirt over the top of it.  But again, this isn't an option.  I need a break, and there isn't anyone to give me that break.  Finances are difficult right now.  Dale's medication upon leaving the hospital cost around $350, which isn't in the budget, but he has to have the medicine.  I am at a loss for what to do right now.  I am honestly thinking that I am going to have to give up my disability and find a job, but I don't know if my body will allow that.  But something has to give, and I am the only one who is able to do the giving at this point.

I feel like a horrible person right now.  I can't do enough for anyone, and everyone needs something from me.  I want someone to take care of me for a change, but that isn't going to happen.  I really do try to stay as upbeat as possible, but right now, I just can't pull myself up.  Thank you, my friends, for letting me vent.