Looking inward is rarely an easy thing to do. If you are anything like me, there is always a fear that you will find things within yourself that you would rather not face; things within yourself that you know you will you not like about yourself. That being said, I have felt a compulsion to look into those dark recesses to try and determine what is going on with me right now. There are things that I don't like, and there are things that I feel helpless to repair.
The first thing that I find is that I am carrying around a lot of resentment right now. I don't like that feel this way, but at the moment, I feel helpless to let go of this resentment. As most of you know, my husband and I are both disabled. His disability has left him confined to a wheelchair, and it is a progressive disease with no cure. He does what he can to help out around the house, and I will say that he does a lot. He has days when he is unable to do anything, and I understand that and try not to hold it against him. If you notice, I said that I TRY not to hold it against him. Unfortunately, I am not always successful in that, hence the resentment.
Because of my fibro, and the problems with my back, there are days when I deal with excruciating pain. There are days when the only thing I feel like doing is lying in my bed or huddling in my recliner, praying that the pain will soon pass. Sometimes, the pain lingers for days and weeks, with little or no relief, despite what I do. According to my doctors, and the Social Security Administration, I am completely disabled, to the point that working isn't a possibility for me. But to look at me, you wouldn't know that I am disabled. My disability is invisible. Despite this fact, I have no choice but to keep going, irregardless of how bad I feel.
My husband is no longer able to drive. Because of this, all of the errand running falls on my shoulders. Granted, my son Matt has his drivers license now, and he will run some errands for me. The mother in me, however, feels guilty about expecting him to do things for me. He is an 18 year old boy, experiencing his last summer before college. Matt has a lovely girlfriend and friends that he wants to hang out with before leaving for school in a couple of weeks. I don't want to take that time away from him by expecting him to handle my business for me. And so, I try to limit the things he does for me.
I shouldn't resent doing these things for my family. I feel guilty when I do finally say I can't do anything else. I feel guilty when I look at Matt and ask him to go to the grocery story for me, or take Jack to work. I feel guilty when I have to look at one of my boys and tell them that they can't do something because I don't know how I will get down the back steps to the car, and back up the steps when I get home. I feel guilty when I tell the boys to eat a sandwich for dinner, instead of cooking a meal for them. I also resent all of them when they seem not to care how badly I am hurting when they want me to do something for them.
I wish that I had the answers to make this resentment just go away. I wish that I didn't feel this way. I wish that I had never developed fibro and crippling back problems. I wish that I could be the mother that I always dreamed of being. But, there is an old saying that goes, "If wishes were horses, then beggars might ride." My wishes do me no good, because I see no way of changing the situation that I am in. Hence, the resentment and guilt that I live with every single day.
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