I am so tired of the payback that comes along with living with chronic pain. Those of you who live with chronic pain know what I'm talking about. It's that time when our bodies give us even more pain because we dared to do something we wanted to do. It seems that every time I do something that will make me happy, I suffer even more than usual. And I resent it, because like so much that goes along with this nightmare condition, it doesn't seem at all fair.
I had a wonderful day on Friday. Although the day started out with pain, as most of my days do, I didn't let it stop me. Granted, I couldn't really get moving until around 2 in the afternoon, but that was when my day really got started. It had been ages since I had gotten a hair cut. I was starting to look like a ragamuffin! Not only that, my gray had really come in nicely, and it was time for it to go away! So, the first thing I did was go and get a haircut. The same person has been cutting my hair for quite awhile and I trust her. She suggested something slightly different from the way I've been getting it cut, and I absolutely love it!
After the haircut, there was even more gray visible, and I refuse to look like a little old lady yet, even though I feel like one most days. My next stop was the drug store, where I picked up some hair color. I then headed straight for the house to color my hair and do my makeup. Why was I working so hard to look human? You see, I had a date that night! The date wasn't with my husband, but with my 18 year old son. He had asked me out to dinner because we haven't spent that much time together since he's gone away to college, and we wanted some time to just catch up with one another.
Because of this, it was important to me that I looked nice. Chronic pain has taken away a lot of my desire to do anything for, or to, myself. I rarely put on makeup, and washing my hair is usually the most I manage. I hate to say it, but I've almost stopped caring about what I look like. I used to never leave the house without being completely put together. That meant my hair was done, my makeup was on, and I was dressed nicely. I say I did it for myself, but the truth is that I wanted to make a good impression on others. Now days, I just don't care what other people think.
As soon as I finished putting on my makeup, Matt came through the front door. I was excited to see him, but I was also excited to actually get out of the house for awhile. For a couple of hours, I could forget about living with pain. I could forget about taking care of my husband (I know that sounds bad, but sometimes, everyone needs a break!). For a couple of hours, I could just be Kim and enjoy my time with my son. Needless to say, we had a wonderful time together!
Occasionally, the thought of my payback would sneak into my mind, but I did my best to push it away. I thought that I wouldn't be able to sleep Friday night, and that Saturday would be filled with pain. However, I did sleep Friday night, and while I was a bit more sore than usual on Saturday, it wasn't too bad. I even cooked a really good dinner last night for my husband and I. I was starting to believe that I had actually skipped the pay back phase. WRONG!
Around 10 pm on Saturday night, everything started to hurt. My muscles felt like someone had taken a baseball bat to them, and my back and right hip were killing me. I took my medicine and tried to go to bed, but sleep wouldn't come. Finally, around 3 am, I got up in tears, and took another dose of my medicine, which I never do. I managed to sleep from about 6 am until 8, but I lay in the bed until after 10 because I just couldn't get myself out of it. Right now, the pain is so intense, and nothing seems to be easing it. I would cry, but it wouldn't help.
And even though I am suffering today, I wouldn't trade Friday for anything. It had been a very long time since I did anything for myself, and I needed a little pampering. We get so busy dealing with our health problems, taking care of our families, and trying to take care of our homes, that we often forget that we need to pamper ourselves on occasion. It may not involve going to the hair dresser, or out to dinner, but we have to remember to do things just for us. And even though we know that there will be a payback, it is just so worth it!
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