Looking for the Old Me

I'm looking for the old me, and I can't find her anywhere!  Ever since my knee surgery, it seems like something goes wrong every time I turn around.  Everyone, including my doctors, is telling me that I am doing so good since my surgery.  They are all amazed that I'm already walking so well, and they tell me to keep up the good work.  And I usually just smile and tell them thank you.  I don't know how to explain to them that my body has launched a full scale attack on me.

Like all of you, I'm used to dealing with my chronic pain, and most of the time, I can work around it.  Partly because I want to, and partly because I have had no other choice, I have stayed very active.  I have continued to do all the errand running, kid-chauffeuring, chief cook and bottle washer duties that I always have.  I knew that after my surgery, I would be out of commission for awhile, but I also thought that it wouldn't last nearly this long!

I would love to go to my doctor and tell him what's going on with me in the hopes that he could "fix" it.  But how do you start to explain to another person what's wrong with you when you can't even put your finger on it yourself?  I don't think he would know what to do with "My body is attacking itself.  Make it stop!".  He would be very sweet about it, but I can already see the puzzled look that would come across his face.

I know that some of this had to do with the fact that I went about two weeks with virtually no sleep.  Luckily, that has started to work itself out, but I'm still not feeling any better.  I'm running strange fevers for no apparent reason, and my muscles feel like someone has taken a baseball bat to them.  Normally, I would just blame the fibro for the muscle pain, but this feels different.  I've been taking an antibiotic for a bad tooth, so you would think that I wouldn't be running a fever.

I'm also having a lot of pain and stiffness in my fingers and my wrists.  I normally type close to 60 words a minute, but now, I'm typing like a kid taking her first typing class.  I'm having to stop between each sentence to stretch and rub my hands and wrists.  I'm also starting to have headaches and neck pain, and I've never had problems with those things.  Other things are hurting as well, but I'm sure you are getting the picture.

What energy I did have has gotten up and left, and all the caffeine in the world is doing nothing to restore it.  I'm tired all the time, and I just feel weak as a kitten.  I know that my family has gotten really tired of sandwiches and microwave dinners, so last night I decided that I was going to cook a big dinner.  I made meatloaf, green beans, mac and cheese and stuffing.  At one point, I was standing in front of my stove with tears running down my face.  Thank God for Matt and Jack!  They jumped in and helped me get things finished.

So, if you see the old me, please tell her to come home!  All is forgiven, and I promise not to complain so much about the pain, and how she is falling apart.  I promise not to think that she is Super Woman, and will quit pushing her so hard.  I promise to say she needs a break, and then stick to my guns!  Hopefully, she's already on her way!