How many of you are like me? You wake up and realize that you feel really good! The pain is almost gone, you feel rested, and you are in a good mood. Now, you know that this isn't going to last forever, so you decide to take advantage of it for as long as it lasts. And then, we turn into a whirling dervish! We clean everything that we've neglected recently; we go shopping; we cook that huge family meal that we haven't been able to cook in months. However, by the next day or so, we are hurting so badly that we can't move. We are stuck in the bed, or the recliner, or the couch, and just getting up to use to the bathroom seems like more than we can muster. And, in the back of our mind, we are constantly thinking, "Why did I do this to myself?".
Even though I really do know better, I do this all the time. Every time I start to feel even the slightest bit better, I decide that I am going back to normal. Now, intellectually, I know that this is not happening! I have fibro, which, so far, is incurable. And I have chronic back pain, and my doctor has told me that this is never going to go away. I know these things as well as I know my own name. But, I don't think that I have completely accepted it emotionally. I want to be my old self, and whenever I see a glimmer of that person, I try to jump back into my old body, and then I pay for it!
One of the things that we say to each other in one of my support groups is don't forget to take baby steps. It isn't hard to follow this advice when the pain is really high. We only do what we can, and we learn to rest in between. When things are really bad, we listen to our bodies, and we don't overdo it. It's easy to listen to your body when it reminds you with pain that you are overdoing it. But when the pain is low, it becomes very difficult to hear those messages that we are still getting. Our brain may be screaming at us to sit down and take a break, but we are able to ignore that voice, and convince ourselves that this break in the pain is going to last forever!
I think that part of the reason we ignore that voice is because of a certain amount of guilt. I don't know about you, but I feel guilty that I am no longer able to keep my house as clean as I used to be able to. I feel guilty that I am not able to cook a good dinner for my family every night. I feel guilty that I am not able to do all the things I used to do before I got sick. Before I developed my back problems and my fibro, I could work all day, come home, cook dinner, clean house, and help the kids with homework. Sure, I would be very tired at the end of the day, but it didn't seem all that impressive to me. I want to be that person again!
I have to learn to start listening to my body. I have to remember that I'm not the same person that I used to be. I have to realize that a break in my symptoms is just that - a break! And a break doesn't last forever. I could accomplish far more if I listened to my body. I could do a few things, stop and rest for as long as I need, and then go on to accomplish a few more things. I would be far less likely of throwing myself into a fibro flare if I listened to the messages my body and brain were sending to me. If I listened to my body, I probably wouldn't have to spend days in excruciating pain because I decided that I could clean the house, top to bottom, in one day.
Before I got sick, it was so much easier to listen to my body. If I sprained an ankle, for example, I didn't feel guilty for staying off of the ankle, and allowing it to heal. I knew that resting the injury was the right thing to do, and it made perfect sense! I knew that after a certain amount of time, it would heal and I would be back to my old self. Now, however, I am having to accept that, no matter how much I rest my body, this illness isn't going to heal, and I am not going to go back to my old self. If I listen to my body and do the things I know I can do, without going past those limits, I can keep going. I may not be able to deep clean the whole house in one day, but I can probably clean one room. By accepting my limitations, I can actually rise above those limitations. And I can accept that what I am able to do today is good enough. Our bodies are a lot smarter than we give them credit for!
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