Learning to Live a New Life

Living with chronic pain completely turns your world upside down.  You go from being an active person who was able to do what you wanted, when you wanted; to someone who never knows from one day to the next what you are going to be able to accomplish.  You go from being someone who was independent, to someone was has to ask for help with the most simple of tasks.  You go from being someone who knew who they were, to someone you know longer recognize. Chronic pain changes everything about you.  It makes you question everything you once took for granted about yourself.  I wreaks havoc with your body, your emotions, and your life.

Even though I have never been an athlete, before I developed chronic pain, I could walk around my neighborhood without even thinking about it.  Now, there are days when walking from the bed to the bathroom can be a challenge.  And even though shopping has never really been my thing, I could go to the mall or grocery store and shop without even thinking about it.  Now, I buy clothes and things like that online, and I have to spend almost a week planning a trip to the grocery store.  Why does it take so long to plan grocery shopping?  Because I have to rest my body in order to handle to pain of the excursion, and then I have to plan in several days afterwards to recuperate from the stress of the outing.

Before I began living with chronic pain, I could do things at the spur of the moment.  If a friend called and wanted to go out to lunch or something, I could just go.  Now, I have to plan things like this.  And quite often, I have to cancel those plans because the stress of worrying about how I'm going to feel on that day can throw my body into a fibro flare up.  I absolutely hate this!  It makes me so angry to live like this!

Self pity has never been something I dealt with on a daily basis.  I'm not saying that I never felt sorry for myself, because that wouldn't be the truth.  We all have times when we feel sorry for ourselves - it goes along with being human.  But most of us don't walk around feeling sorry for ourselves.  But now, that feeling of "poor, pitiful me" comes along far more often.  I feel jealous when I hear about friends and family going on vacations which include a lot of walking.  I feel sorry for myself when I can't go out with the girls every once in awhile.  I feel sorry for myself because I can't do anything on the spur of the moment.  I feel sorry for myself that I can't participate in my children's lives like I used to.

Chronic pain changes everything.  It changes our identity, because we know longer know who we are because of the changes in our bodies.  But we have to learn to live with this new self.  It is so easy to fall into the trap of always feeling sorry for ourselves.  It is easy to live with jealousy of others taking over our thoughts.  But, feeling like this all the time only contributes to making our lives miserable.  We have to give ourselves permission to grieve for the person we once were, but then, we have to learn how to live with our new self.

We have to learn to approach life in a new way.  I have learned that I can still do many of the things I used to do.  Sometimes, I push through the pain, and do what I want to do.  I know that I will pay for it the next several days, but quite often, it's worth it.   Instead of going out to eat with my husband, I can order a nice meal, and set the table beautifully and dine with candles and soft music.  It's not exactly the same thing, but it is a change of pace.  I may not be able to go and sit comfortably in a movie theater anymore, but I can rent a movie, pop popcorn, and turn all the lights off and watch a movie with my family.

I know that I am still a valuable person, and I know that I still have things to offer others.  I may not always be at that football game, or school play, but my children know that I truly want to here about every minute of it when they get home.  I may not have the cleanest house on the block, but I'm learning that it's more important to be available to my family than to be in the bed, unable to move or spend time with them.  I may no longer be able to hold down a job, but I can still be there for others.  That's part of the reason I decided to start writing this blog.  It gives me a chance to educate people about chronic pain, and to share my experiences in living with this invisible illness.

I am learning to live a new life.  It isn't a bad thing, either.  I am learning to do things in new ways.  I am learning to appreciate the small things in life.  I am learning that I am still valuable.  I am learning that I don't have to be perfect.  I am learning that I can still reach out to others, and have them reach back to me.  I am learning who my true friends are.  I am learning that it's OK to grieve my old life, and I am learning that these changes aren't all bad, they are simply different.  And I am learning to embrace the journey.