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Thursday, September 18, 2014

Another Year Older

Fifty two years ago, I arrived on this planet.  It's really amazing that I've made it this long, since I wasn't expected to survive for very long.  And yet, here I am, and I must say that it's better than the alternative.  With luck, I'll have another thirty years or so.  I'll see my sons married, and I'll be able to hold my grandchildren.  For the most part, it's been a pretty good life, and I am blessed in so many ways.

The last year has brought on many changes, especially where my health is concerned.  Unfortunately, most of the changes are not good, but I refuse to curl up in a ball and die.  I was recently diagnosed with both Type 2 diabetes and COPD.  And while neither of these things is positive, they are causing me to make some positive changes.  I am trying very hard to eat more healthy, and I am actually losing some weight.  I also quit smoking by using an E-cigarette.  I also learned that I am severely deficient in Vitamin D.  I'm taking 50,000 units of Vitamin D for the next 3 months, and hopefully, that will turn things around.

There are days when my body tries to convince me that I am eighty two and not fifty two.  Between my back, knees, and the fibromyalgia that runs through my entire body, I have days when the pain is unbearable and I feel that I cannot handle it for another minute.  And yet, I soldier on, as do all of the pain warriors that I know.  We are far stronger than we, and others, give ourselves credit for.  And, for the first time in a very long time, I have some hope that this will improve in the very near future.

As many of you know, I am in the process of seeing if a pain pump would be appropriate for me.  A couple of days ago, I completed the second step of the process.  I underwent the psychological exam required to receive a pain pump.  Of course, I was nervous, but it wasn't nearly as awful as I had built it up in my mind.  The doctor asked me numerous questions, and I had to fill out a couple of personality type questionnaires.  And, while it will be a couple of weeks before I know the results, the psychologist told me that I had a good grasp of the process and that my expectations weren't out of line.  For the first time in a long time, I have hope that I may get some real relief from this unending pain.

In some ways, it doesn't seem possible that I am fifty two years old.  Mentally, I still feel quite young, and when I say young, I mean my 30's.  There are days when I look at my boys and feel shock that they have really grown to be young men.  Where have the little boys gone?  I still miss the smell of sunshine, dirt, and little boy smell that used to cling to them after playing outside.  I miss feeling their little bodies curled up in my lap when I would comfort them or simply sit and talk.  And yet, I feel a sense of joy when I realize that I have brought them from the innocence of childhood to becoming productive young adults.  Nothing I have ever done gives me a greater sense of pride.

Yes, I've spent fifty two years on this planet.  There have been hard times, and joyous times;  there have been times when I felt that my heart would break in two, and there have been times when I felt my heart would burst from joy; and there have been times when I felt that the physical pain that is always with me now would be the undoing of me.  But I continue to persevere, and I continue to find the joy in life.  I realize how very blessed I am, and I am looking forward to what the future holds.