It is 2:51 a.m., and I am sitting in my recliner. There is some stupid movie on the TV, which I'm not watching, but have on simply for the noise. With the exception of this stupid movie, my house is quiet because everyone is sleeping. I actually went to bed several hours ago. I was so tired, and I was looking forward to lying down in my bed, pulling my comforter over me, and going straight to sleep. This is something that I fantasize about quite often. And, unfortunately, that's all it is anymore - a fantasy! I have quit sleeping. Oh, I catnap, but I never sleep more than a couple hours at a time, except on very rare occasions. Tonight, I managed a whole 45 minutes!
The sad fact is that I'm not alone. Those of us who suffer from chronic pain are prone to sleep disturbances. I would love to quote facts and figures for you, but I'm too tired right now to look for them. I'm not even worried about the number of pain patients who aren't sleeping. I know they aren't sleeping because we talk about it. We compare notes in the middle of the night in support groups that we belong to. And this lack of sleep, combined with the pain we feel all the time, creates a vicious circle. We can't sleep because we're in pain; the stress and anxiety from the lack of sleep makes the pain worse; the worsening pain makes it impossible to sleep.
I have gotten to the point that I sleep when I can. If I feel tired in the middle of the day and I don't have anything that I absolutely have to do, I will crawl in the bed and take a nap. Quite frequently, if I sit down and get still for any length of time, I am unable to stay awake, no matter what I do. None of these naps lasts for very long, but if I didn't take my little naps, I wouldn't be able to function at all. And for those of you who think that my naps are the things that keep me awake at night, think again. It doesn't seem to matter if I nap or not. I can still only sleep a couple of hours at a time.
This constant lack of sleep is having a profound effect on me. I never feel rested, which in turn makes me very cranky. If you asked my husband and children, they might tell you that I can be downright mean at times. I don't mean to be, it just seems to happen. I also know that I can be a lot more emotional. Many times, I will burst into tears for no apparent reason over the dumbest things. I can also feel paranoid, depressed, and mad at the world. You try living on 14-20 hours of sleep for weeks on end, and tell me you aren't mad at the world, too!
Sitting here, I feel tired. I feel a kind of mind-numbing tired, but I don't feel sleepy. There is a difference between tired and sleepy. I would give anything to feel sleepy right now. If I was sleepy, I think that getting in my bed and lying down would be easy. I don't think that I would have to lie there long before I actually drifted off. But, since I'm just tired, I am avoiding my bed at that moment. Why? Because all I do is toss and turn, which makes me hurt more, and makes sleep seem even that much further away. So I sit here. And to keep my mind occupied, I write a rambling piece about how I can't sleep.
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