Well, the season has started. We are now being bombarded with images of perfect families, gathered around turkeys and trees, looking completely happy to be there. Our senses are being assaulted with Christmas Carols, ringing bells, and various wonderful smells. Our televisions are already showing Christmas movies, and the commercials are whipping our children into a frenzy over which toy they will absolutely die without. We are expected to greet everyone we see with a great, big smile, and a hearty "Happy Holidays!". We have entered the land of forced cheerfulness and joy.
This is the time of year that I want to crawl into a hole and pull and rock over my head. Like the famed ground hog, I feel like poking my head out of my hole every once in a while to see if its spring yet. If you can't tell already, this is probably my least favorite time of year. Cooking Thanksgiving dinner is an excruciatingly painful experience for me. My husband and sons help as much as they can, but most of the time, they are parked in front of the T.V., watching the games, while I am slaving over a hot oven and stove, praying everything is ready at the same time. By the time we eat, I just want to crawl into my recliner and down a handful of pain pills.
I don't get giddy at the sight of twinkling lights and the thought of putting up the Christmas tree and decorations fills me with dread. For years, I have made a good show of it for the sake of my boys, but, if it wasn't for them, I would probably just ignore the whole thing. The holidays have been depressing to me for almost as long as I can remember. As a child and teenager, it never failed but that I was sick over Christmas. Almost all of our family pictures from that time show me looking absolutely miserable. I always appreciated the presents my family gave me, but once everything was opened, I felt such a let down, and I couldn't seem to come out of it.
I hate shopping, and I always have. The very idea of going to a mall at this time of the year fills me with terror. I have a mild form of agoraphobia, and all of those people pressed around me brings on a panic attack almost every time. These days, I do most of my shopping online in order to avoid the crush. Because my husband and I are both disabled, money is always tight. This year is worse than usual, and I have no idea how I am going to get my boys anything for Christmas. Whoever said that it's the thought that counts had no idea what they were talking about! I know that anything I am able to do is going to be a disappointment for them, especially when they have to listen to their friends talk about the game systems, cars, computers, and the like which they got for Christmas.
From now until probably February, I am going to be depressed. This is simply a fact of life. Forget the holiday part of it; this time of year causes me excruciating pain. The cold is almost more than I can bear anymore. I have rods in my back from my fusion surgery, and when they get cold, it feels like tin foil touching a filling. It's hard to get excited about celebrating anything when just walking to the bathroom hurts so very much. If I had my way about it, the holidays would pass completely unnoticed in my world. I know that probably sounds selfish to some, but it is the honest truth.
And so, this year, like every other year, I will fake it. I will cook Thanksgiving dinner and pretend to enjoy it. I will decorate the tree with a smile on my face. I will send out a few Christmas cards and I will smile when I say "Merry Christmas". I will buy what presents I can afford and pray that it's enough. And, I will be miserable the entire time. I wish that I wasn't like this, and I would do anything I could do to change it. Unfortunately, I haven't figured out a way to get out of the Holiday Doldrums. I just keep reminding myself that spring is around the corner, and I am thankful that the Holidays only come around once a year.
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